A Fool's Burden
by damageddementia
Summary: "You know how I feel. It's not just going to go away like you think yours will. So... always know that someone who loves you is here for you." Time has passed, but neither AJ nor Chris could forget their past...
1. A Fool's Burden

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own the following wrestlers, or any of the events that actually happened on camera, or anything else mentioned that is recognizable.**

**I respect the actual beliefs and sexualities of the following wrestlers.**

_Um... my bad. There might be some inaccuracies with TNA time, and I apologize for that. I'm sorry. So, this is a sequel to Monkey Business. You should read that first. There's het, there's slash... there's explicitness. There's offensive language. Any of those things bother you, please press the back button. If not, read on._

* * *

**A Fool's Burden**

__

_"Alright, so you have Alex?" Allen Jones said into the phone, while he half dragged, half carried Chris Sabin to his car. Chris' arm was around his neck, barely holding on as his feet sluggishly stepped one in front of the other. It started with beer, and then shots- and then Alex challenged Chris to a drinking contest which ended in Alex whipping off his shirt and challenged a bar stool to a duel, while Chris ran out of the bar. While Daniels calmed Alex down, AJ followed Chris, eventually catching up to him in the parking lot of a nearby Steak Hut. While AJ and Daniels both drank a lot that night as well, at least they had some presence of mind._

_"Yeah. He passed out right on the stool. He's one heavy little bastard." Daniels muttered a little, but then he said, "Just get Chris home, okay? Alex and I'll meet you two later." Daniels began muttering again, and AJ clearly made out something about throwing Shelley on the street._

_"Tell Danny to just leave'em," Chris muttered, leaning his head against AJ's shoulder, "Tell him... tell him to let the bum sleep in the gutter."_

_"You don't mean that," AJ said, before saying a few more things to Daniels. He hung up, and Chris said, "He bugs me."_

_"You love him."_

_"Oh. But he loves his little Vietnamese whore, whatever her name is..."_

_"Don't talk about Gail like that," AJ scolded, "And she's not Vietnamese, you dolt." _

_"Gonna put me in my place, Styles?" Chris hiccuped, "Come on, admit it. It's like the freakin flood is coming, and we all gots to pair up. Lex is all over Little Miss Kim, Danny's got his sweetheart... when's the last time we all were together like this?"  
_

_"Chris. Sometimes, things change." They finally reached AJ's car, and AJ propped Chris against the car as he opened the backseat. Chris and Alex's ride would have to remain in the parking lot, it seemed, until the morning._

_"I'm just sayin. I know things gotta change." Chris stood up, and the world seem to whirl around him. He fell on AJ's shoulder, laughing as he used the older man for support. "Don't let gravity get me, Allie!"_

_"Allie?" AJ raised an eyebrow, thinking about letting Chris hit the floor for calling him that, but he instead wrapped an arm around Chris' waist and lowered him into the car. "Don't worry Chris, I won't let mean ol' gravity get you."_

_Chris laughed even more, leaning his head against the seat as soon as he touched the leather. "At least I still have you, right?"_

_AJ leaned down, looking Chris in the eyes. "Chris, just because they have girlfriends now doesn't mean they're not your friends anymore."_

_"I know that. Alex can have his Chung Li. I'm happy for him." Chris' voice grew less silly and a lot more serious, making AJ watch him in worry._

_"What's wrong?" AJ asked. Chris didn't answer, so AJ repeated his question._

_"Allie?" Chris murmured, "Allie, I still have you, right?"_

_AJ nodded. "I'm not going anywhere, Sabin." Chris' smile grew, and, suddenly, AJ found himself being tugged into the car. He fell on Chris, pushing him down onto the seat. Chris' laughter filled his ears, and AJ began to blush. He wasn't even sure when Chris grabbed his arm. "What's going around that head of yours, Sabin?"_

_"I still have you?" Chris asked, keeping AJ's eyes on his._

_"I already said I wasn't going anywhere." AJ tried to push himself off of Chris, but then Chris' arms went around his waist, pinning him to his body._

_"I thought you said you weren't going anywhere," Chris taunted, tightly holding AJ in place. AJ wiggled around, trying to push out, but his position didn't allow for much leverage. Finally, he surrendered, resting against Chris' body._

_"Come on Chris, I give," AJ said, "Just let me up."_

_"You give? Gimme what?" Chris' smirk made AJ involuntarily shiver- he blamed it on the cold air at the time._

_"Whatever you want! Just let me up so we can get home!" _

_"Whatever I want?" _

_"Yes, wh-" AJ was cut off by the hand moving from his back to his hair, pushing his head down and his lips into Chris'. The shock invaded AJ's senses, rendering him immobile as Chris kissed him. After a moment that seemed longer than any other, Chris finally released him, a small satisfied grin on his face._

_"You did say whatever I wanted," Chris whispered. AJ stared down at him, unnerving Chris a little. Through his drunken haze, he thought the look on AJ's face was an angry one. Finally, Chris said, "I'm sorry if that was off limits, I've just really wanted to..."_

_AJ's mouth crushed against his, making him gasp as AJ initiated a kiss of his own. As soon as the first shock wore off, Chris grabbed AJ's collar, bringing his body closer to his. When they finally moved away from each other, AJ smiled serenely at Chris. It was reaction; he wasn't sure what he was doing, but all he knew was that it felt nice._

_Chris' hands tentatively went forward, resting on AJ's hips. When AJ didn't move away, Chris allowed his hands to roam upward and then downward, feeling every muscle on AJ's body AJ's eyes fluttered shut as he enjoyed the feeling of Chris' hands against him, squeezing every now and again. Strong. Warm. Perfect. "Allie..." Chris whispered, almost asking for permission to continue this. There was a moment of silence. Only breathing passed between them as AJ considered the unasked question, but the hands on his body convinced him that there was only one answer. AJ nodded slowly, and Chris pulled him close again, wanting to feel as much of AJ against him as possible._

* * *

_Chris groaned, his head pounding. It was God's way of reminding him that all fun had consequences. Where for art thou, Midol... Suddenly, he realized exactly where he was. In a car. In a backseat. Laying on top of AJ Styles, who was fully clothed, excepting the shirt that was lifted up to his chin. Chris studied his bared chest, licking his lips hungrily, when the full impact of what happened hit him._

_"Holy shit," Chris stared at AJ, eyes on his rising and falling chest, wondering what the hell had he gotten himself into. This was Allen Jones, AJ Styles- there was no way he could have- but he did- fuck. _

_Chris sighed, thinking better now than never, and he shook AJ. "AJ, wake up," Chris said. Flashes of the night before- hands roaming around, learning each other; lips pressing to revealed skin, marking the other- all flooded his head as he did, making him want nothing more than to continue where he left off. But he had to deny the urge. _

_"Chris?" AJ's eyes opened, seeing Chris on top of him. As everything became clearer, he realized where they were and what time it was- but his thoughts were still on the position they were in. "Chris, what's-" He fell silent, the pieces falling together slowly in his mind. "Oh... oh God, Chris, did we...?"_

_"Well we didn't-" Chris made one hand into a fist and poked his finger into it, making the motion as crude as possible, representing the carnal action to the best of his ability- "if that's what you're asking. At least, I'm pretty sure we didn't."_

_AJ sat up, pulling down his shirt as he settled down, and he shook his head. "No, no we didn't," he said, the previous night's details hitting him in vivid detail, "You fell asleep on top of me- nothing came off. Except my shirt, of course." _

_The two of them fell silent, just exchanging apprehensive glances every now and again. Finally, Chris said, "We can pretend this never happened, you know."_

_"I'm not sure I wanna." Chris looked up quickly, trying to figure out what AJ could mean by that. AJ finally turned his attention to Chris. "I have no idea what I'm saying." Chris moved forward, catching AJ off guard. He gulped, watching Chris come closer. _

_"This is whatever you want it to be," Chris said, "Really, we can pretend this never happened." AJ nodded, and Chris quietly hoped that AJ would interrupt with another line like the last one. But he didn't. _

_"We should go to the hotel," AJ said, changing the subject quickly, "Chris and Alex are probably wondering where we got to."_

* * *

Chris Sabin sat on the bench, his head in his hands. He tried not to seem too out of it in front of his friends and coworkers, but he couldn't help it. Maybe if he could get Allen Jones out of his head, or maybe if AJ and Taylor frickin Wilde (he couldn't think her name without the frickin anymore. It was so juvenile and he knew it, but he lacked the ability to care anymore) weren't so la-dee-da in your face about their relationship, maybe Chris could have gotten over it. But no.

_No._

AJ and Taylor frickin Wilde were always together, wrapped in each other. With all the public displays of emotion Chris wasn't allowed to lavish on AJ while they were still together. Arms thrown around necks, lips pressed against each other in chaste kisses, promising something a lot less chaste once they moved out of the public eye...

And then there was Chris' memories, haunting him like a plague. AJ's body, his to touch, his to kiss. He didn't have all of AJ, but damn it, he always thought that they'd one day be out of the quiet rooms and completely unrestricted.

"Hey, fuckface!" Alex Shelley kicked his best friend's leg.

"What do you want, bitch?"

Alex crossed his arms, waiting for Chris to say something more. When he didn't, Alex said, "What was wrong with this one?"

Chris wasn't the type of person to only talk when talked to- Chris was loud, boisterous, and instigating. He loved starting the fun, and being in the middle of it. But Alex noticed that he was getting quieter and less outgoing- he only acted like himself when someone else prompted him. But Alex finally understood what was going on, after talking it over with Gail.

Chris had major blockage. The kind that came from having no nookie of any kind for over.... whenever he broke up with that one chick with the blond hair. He seriously needed to get laid, and Alex Shelley had a long list of women who were willing to take on that task for Chris. But Chris' standards were way too high.

Those in nookie drought don't deny water, Alex believed, and Chris was flat out throwing the water on the ground.

"She wasn't me, okay?" Chris said, "You can't force l'amour, Lex."

"Oh fuck l'amour and pull the stick out of your ass. You're not looking for a wife, are you? What's wrong with having fun?"

"Nothing, but..."

"Then why didn't you give Lindsey a chance?" Alex asked, "What was wrong with her?"

_She's nothing like my Allie. None of your women are._ Chris shook his head, bidding away the thought quickly. "Can't I just kick it stag? I'm enjoying life sans plus one."

"You're lying, fuckface." Alex put his hand through his hair, sighing. "Look, I'm worried about you. Gail's worried about you. Heck, even Storm and Harris are worried about you. We've all noticed you've been down in a bad way. And you know, I want my partner back."

"I'm fine."

"You're lying."

"Alright, so I am," Chris snapped, deciding honesty might work in his favor, "But I don't need Alex Shelley's little black book to make me feel better."

"Well, don't bite my head off, I'm trying to help!" Alex thought for a moment, and he said, "Fine, no more women. But how about we steal Danny's makeup bag and paint a pretty picture on Joe's bag?"

Chris was about to say no, but then he really thought about it. A good rib could be exactly what he needed to fix his brain. "I'm down."

Chris and Alex walked slowly down the hall, bottles of black nail polish and sticks of eyeliner in their pockets. Stealing from Daniels was way too easy. All they had to do was catch Joe's bag unattended.

"Hey Chris. Would it be wrong if I gave myself a unibrow?" Alex asked, pantomiming drawing in between his eyebrows.

"It would be like saying hey Joe, I'm the one who drew a penis on your bag."

"We're drawing a penis on his bag? Kick ass." Chris tip toed to the turn to the next hallway slowly, shushing his partner. He peeked his head passed the wall, to look around, but then he froze.

Against a nearby wall, Taylor frickin Wilde's arms were around AJ's neck, and AJ's were around her waist. They were talking in quiet voices, but Chris could see the grins that adorned both their faces. Their bodies were so close; not even an inch of space was between them.

"Dude, you'll break the wall." Alex's words registered with Chris, and he realized he was squeezing the door with all his strength. He let go quickly, hoping the happy couple hadn't heard Alex- but he should've known better.

Taylor pulled out of AJ's arms and grinned. "Hey guys!" She waved, and Alex pushed Chris into the room. Chris plastered the best grin he could manage.

"Hey Taylor," Chris said. He looked at AJ, and his grin almost faltered; AJ's facial expression represented exactly how he felt inside. "Hey Al- len," Chris said, correcting himself before he could make the situation any worse. But AJ's eyes went downward, telling him that the damage control was too little too late.

"Alex, Chris," AJ said.

"Well hello there! What are you two lovebirds doing here in this dank, desolate hallway?" Alex asked, "Shouldn't you be on a park bench or something like that?"

"Ha ha, very funny," Taylor said. "We'll get out of your way now." She hugged the both of them, and then she turned to AJ. "Coming, Hun?"

Hun. Chris moaned inwardly as AJ nodded. He slapped Alex's back and said, "See ya later."

"Definitely. Halo's calling us, Styles. I have to show you and your friend over here that Alex Shelley is Master Chief." Alex began walking towards the locker room, leaving AJ with Chris.

"See you around?" Chris asked, trying to make it sound normal.

"Yeah." AJ tried to smile, but it failed so badly that Chris couldn't help but wonder why, why didn't they just pretend that first time never happened. AJ moved passed him, putting an arm around Taylor and walking off with her. Chris began moving to catch up with Alex, but his mind was on the Georgian on the other end of the hall.

* * *

AJ couldn't afford to think about Chris like this.

He told himself that, when he ended things with Chris, that all he'd need was time and soon he'd be over him. But every now and then, he found himself missing him- wanting him nearby, whether it just be to knock him for quarters or to play games. And it didn't help, the random times they met up.

__

_You should've known, idiot. It's not like you and Chris don't have the same job._

AJ leaned his head against a pillow, trying to get into the movie Taylor chose out for them, but he couldn't. Chris' voice kept echoing through his head, the laughter, the jokes, the cheesy one liners- everything that made Chris so uniquely Chris.

"AJ?" AJ looked down at Taylor, who was snuggled into his arm, wearing an overlarge shirt and a pair of undies. It was supposed to be simple; he liked Taylor, and he thought she was beautiful. It should have been easy to fall in love with Taylor; it was the reason he decided to say yes to her. She was the ideal in every way, the kind of woman he would've asked for had he the chance. She was independent, sweet, fun, pretty... but every time he tried to imagine a life with her, he just imagined a voice singing out the name Allie in an endearingly annoying way.

"Yeah?" He asked, holding her a little more tightly and affectionately.

There, in his arms, she felt so incredibly comfortable. Like she was safe from anything in the world. She knew, in moments like this, she would do anything to make Allen Jones happy. Anything. "You look distracted."

"I'm fine." He hoped the short answer was enough to satisfy her. He didn't want to lie to her, not now or ever.

"The movie boring you?"

He chuckled. "Honestly?" She grinned and shoved him.

"If you're not enjoying yourself, say something, Hun." She got up and shut off the television before turning back to him, a conniving little smile on her face.

"What's going through your head, Wilde?"

Taylor let her actions speak for her, going onto the bed and crawling over to AJ as slowly as she could. As soon as she was close enough to touch, AJ grabbed her gently and pulled her the rest of the way, settling her in his lap. Her hands went up, framing AJ's cheeks as she pressed her lips into his. AJ's hands held her steady as he took charge of the moment, using his tongue to tease her lips into opening.

__

_Chris' lips, refusing to ever let up, to give up control, inviting AJ's to play or get conquered..._

Taylor's tongue met his, following his lead. AJ's hands lowered to the hem of her shirt, and then slipped up, running over her soft curves. She mewled into the sensation, holding the kiss for as long as she could, moving her arms around his neck. Each kiss grew more heated, AJ's hands adding to the arousal Taylor felt.

Taylor pulled away. There were no sounds between them but heavy panting, and AJ's hands stilled. She grabbed the edges of her shirt and lifted it, throwing it off and leaving her in her bra and panties. "Beautiful," AJ whispered, as Taylor grabbed his hands and lifted them onto her breasts, wanting nothing but to feel the intimate touch.

__

_Chris' chest, so defined, so firm under AJ's hands. He moved his hands up slowly, getting used to the unfamiliar body- but wanting to touch more, to pull him close with the same assurance that Chris would do for him..._

AJ's shirt went next, and then his pants, and then he pulled Taylor in for another kiss. He explored her mouth, her body pressed against his. After a few more moments in the passionate kisses, Taylor's hands slipped into his waistband, gently touching his thighs before inching them down. AJ lifted his hips, making it easier for her to pull them off.

__

_"Don't worry. We don't have to go that far. We can just... mess around a little. If you ever want to stop, tell me." _

As Taylor moved down, kissing AJ's thigh, his mind began to wander somewhere else. He didn't even hear the sound of the condom wrapper being opened, or notice her slip it onto him. He wanted to keep his mind on the gorgeous woman who was with him now, but his train of thought had other plans for him.

What if he had gone this far with Chris? What would it have felt like, Chris between his legs like this?__

Chris...

AJ groaned louder, wrapping his hands in Taylor's hair, feeling her lips wrap around his cock. Her mouth felt so tight as she slowly sucked, relaxing her throat in an attempt to pull more into her mouth. He closed his eyes, enjoying the suction, but when he did, he imagined brown hair between his fingers. Powerful hands on his thighs, pressing against them, not allowing him to push forward at all.

_Chris..._

Taylor picked up the pace, drumming her fingers along AJ's thighs. Soon, he felt his insides tightening, and the sensations became too much to bear.

"Chris!"

AJ's eyes rolled back as he came, the name falling out of his lips. He wasn't even sure if he was still thinking it or if he actually yelled it aloud. But Taylor heard him, and she couldn't believe it. He can't have said what she heard. It must've been some kind of mistake.

Taylor moved away, staring at AJ with confusion as he tied the condom up and threw it into the trash bin. No, AJ wouldn't cheat on her. No way. There had to be some sort of explanation to what she heard.

"Where were we?" AJ asked, pulling her close. And she put on the best facade she could, hiding her worry- it was impossible. Not someone with a face as guileless as AJ's, with a spirit as kind as his. There had to be an explanation.

She just couldn't make up one.

* * *

Chris set the treadmill up to the highest speed he could run. Making himself tired worked so well sometimes; he could only hope today was such a day. So many reminders, so many things he wished he could just trash. Escape. He wanted to be normal, to be himself... but he wanted AJ beside him so badly. Just one more night like the ones before, where no one could find them. Just the two of them, sharing something Chris didn't want to share with anyone else.

If that meant he couldn't have a family, like AJ said, then he didn't want one. If that meant he was wrong, well, he was used to being wrong. He could be one more time. If that meant he wasn't completely square with the man upstairs, well then, he hoped that the all forgiving nature of the big guy would apply to him. Because he was prepared to risk it all for just one more night with his Allie.

"Sabin. Hey, Sabin!" Chris turned his head, trying not to show his distaste at Taylor's presence. He kept running, deciding to watch her from the corner of her eye.

"Look Tay Tay, I'm trying to burn some rubber here. Can we talk later?"

"I really need to talk to you now," Taylor said, her voice sounding a lot less chipper than it usually did.

Chris shook his head, deciding to hear her out. As soon as he got the machine to slow, he hopped off, catching his breath. Finally, he said, "Yes?"

"I didn't think I could ask the other Chris, because of how close he and AJ are-" The statement made Sabin chuckle despite himself; the thought of AJ and Daniels close, after everything he and AJ did together, seemed ridiculous. Before he would never deny the bond they had- they were best friends- but the word close seemed to no longer apply to them. "-but I thought you'd be honest with me."

Chris wiped the sweat off his brow before saying, "Alright, you've caught my interest. What the hell is going on?"

Taylor bit her lip, wondering if she should do this, but finally, it just came out. She'd been carrying it with her for three long, agonizing days, wondering if it could possibly be true, and she could no longer hold it in. "Whose Christy?"

"...Christy?" Chris scratched his head. "Are you giving Danny new nicknames? Seriously, Danielle would freak him out more. Or maybe Evanescence."

"No! No." Taylor looked around, and then she turned back to Chris. "I don't want it to be true, but lately, I've been thinking- I think AJ's cheating on me. I mean, I know he's been so amazing to me, but a few days ago, we were getting-" She flushed. "-you know..."

"Dirty? Close? Busy? Down to business? Sexy?"

"This is serious!"

Chris shook his head. "But I can't take it seriously. I mean, come on, Allen Jones is practically a saint. He wouldn't cheat on you."

"Then why did he shout out Christy when we were... you know?" Taylor asked.

"Look, I don't know anybody named Christy-" Chris' brain suddenly clicked, one conclusion flitting through his thoughts. He kept yammering on about how he'd think he know if there was a such person as Christy, but his brain was elsewhere.

No, AJ would never cheat on Taylor. He had no doubt that there was no Christy. It might have just been wishful thinking on his part, but it was possible- if only a little- that the name AJ shouted out was his own.

_What if I told precious little Taylor frickin Wilde that her beloved boyfriend shouted out my name? That I was getting 'you know' with him before she even laid her pretty little manicured fingers into him? That he was all over another man when he said yes to her?_

It wasn't fair. Taylor shouldn't have even been with him in the first place. He was Chris' and they both knew it. AJ knew it when he ripped out Chris' heart out of nowhere, without a single warning. And right now, Chris could set things right again. He could...

_"You know how I feel. It's not just going to go away like you think yours will. So... always know that someone who loves you is here for you."_

"Look, Taylor, you're blowing this out of proportion," Chris said, feeling his insides twist in agony, "He probably just shouted Christ. Guys do that when they get that warning before the finale. You know, it ranges from nasty grunting to shouting out the savior. Just be glad you didn't get the former. It can get ugly. Trust me."

Taylor looked up, hope written across her face. "You really think... he just shouted out Christ?"

"Oh, definitely. Face facts, Baby Spice... you bagged an angel there. He's not cheating." He patted her on the shoulder, smiling brightly at her. Finally, she smiled back.

"You're right. Thanks, Sabin." Taylor pulled him into a hug, and he put his arms around her too. Returning the hug. Because, as far as she could know, nothing was wrong. Taylor finally let go and left, a new air to her walk- a more relaxed one- and all Chris could do was tighten his fists. He turned around and kicked the treadmill, holding back a scream.

There was no way running could soothe what he was feeling now. He snatched up his stuff and stormed off.

_Tonight, I'm getting fucked up._

* * *

AJ was woken up that night by the sound of his phone ringing. His hand slapped against the bedside table without any awareness, trying to grab the phone before it woke up Taylor. Finally, he grabbed the phone and pressed the talk button, pushing it near his ear. "It's late, jackass," he muttered quietly, "What do you want?"

_"Allie? Allie, is that you?"_ A hiccup made AJ blink- he was awake now. He stood up and quietly walked to the bathroom, sneaking a look at Taylor. She moved a little, but she was still in deep slumber. He closed the door and then turned his attention back to Chris.

"You're drunk, you alcoholic idiot. Call me back in the morning."

_"One, I'm not a alcoholic. I'm a drunk. It's different." _Chris hiccuped again, and then he said, _"Two... I need you, Allie. I don't know where I am."_

"What do you mean, you don't know where you are?"

_"I mean I don't know where I am. I left the bar and... I don't know. I don't know where I am. Please, come find me."_

AJ quickly moved out of the room, finding his bag and pulling out some clothes to wear. As he shoved them on, he said, "Chris, what bar did you go to?"

_"I don't know."_

"Damn it, Chris, give me something so I can find you!" AJ opened the door, taking the stairs instead of the elevator- the quicker he got to his car and found that idiot, the better.

_"I can hear cars." _Chris paused for a moment. _"I think I'm by the highway, Allie."_

"Well, where?" AJ got into his car, "Come on, Chris, help me out here!"

_"I'm sorry Allie."_

"Damn it Chris!" AJ hit his head against the steering wheel. "Chris, come on, where are you? Focus. Give me something, anything. What can you see?"

There was a silence, but then Chris said, _"I see a sign."_

"Good Chris. That's good. What does it say?"

_"Exit 56."_

AJ smiled a little- at least he got something out of Chris. "Okay, I'll be right there. Don't move an inch. Wait for me."

_"Okay Allie. I won't."_

AJ started the car, saying a few more words to Chris before hanging up the phone. He never expected that Chris would call him at one o'clock in the morning because he got drunk and had 'no idea where he was'. Chris was a group drinker; yes, he went too far, but there was always someone there to get him home. Why the hell was Chris drinking alone?

AJ finally got off on exit 56, turning into the first bar he saw. He yelled out Chris' name, looking around for him, but the only answer was chilling silence. He could only hope Chris had listened and didn't go too far. He kept walking, shouting out his name, wondering why he didn't think to ask Chris how close to the exit he was or anything like that. So stupid...

"Allie?" AJ looked around, finally finding Chris sitting on the floor next to the dumpster behind the bar. He ran over and looked down at Chris, shaking his head. Chris was leaning against the fence, an almost empty bottle of beer nestled between his spread legs.

"Chris?" AJ bent down to study his friend; wasted was the best word to describe him.

"Allie." Chris' lips curled into a small smile. He wanted to reach out and touch AJ, but he wasn't sure which of the three AJ's in front of him was his Allie. "You came."

"Of course I did, dummy." AJ said, sighing in relief. He grabbed the bottle and hurled it into the dumpster, where it could cause no more harm. It was what reduced Chris to such a pitiful shell of a man AJ knew and lo- cared about. "How much did you drink?"

Chris shrugged. "It's nothing to worry about." He wished the bottle was still there; he wanted to drink some more, so he could fight the feeling in his stomach. "Lost count."

AJ grabbed Chris by the collar and smacked him across the face firmly, trying to give him some presence of mind. Chris blinked a few times, and the three AJ's merged into one person. "Come on," AJ said, "Let's go, moron." He turned around. "Wrap your arms around my neck, Chris."

Chris did as he was told to the best of his ability, AJ's hands helping to secure his arms around his neck. Once AJ was sure they were holding on, he stood up, carrying him. He grabbed Chris' legs and wrapped them around his chest, keeping his hands on Chris' thighs, letting him ride piggyback. He wasn't sure Chris could even stand, let alone walk.

Chris rested his head on AJ's shoulder, feeling somewhat comfortable. AJ's familiar smell was welcome; it made him content with the world. It made him want to fight the floating feeling; his place was on Earth, with his Allie.

"I miss you, Allie," Chris said softly, "So, so much." AJ tried to ignore the words, but they hit him so powerfully that he couldn't help but think about how much he missed Chris too. He kept quiet, trying not to let this get anymore awkward, but then Chris said, "I know."

"Know what, Chris?"

"You. You miss me too." AJ gulped, still trying to use silence to deflect the conversation, but then Chris said, rambling drunkenly, "My name. While Tay Tay was sexy timing you, you said 'Chris'."

"I don't know what you're-"

"Taylor told me. Don't worry, she thinks you said Christ now. I convinced her. And besides, she doesn't seem to think you're capable of man on man loving, so you're deep dark secret's safe."

AJ listened to every single word, trying to find some hidden meaning in them. When he couldn't, he said, "And why did you do that?"

"Because it's your job," Chris' words all came out like a whisper, fading away on the wind, but AJ heard all of them. "You're still cheating on her. Not in body, but in brain. Mind. You know what I mean." AJ finally got to the car, and he happily slid Chris into the backseat, trying to escape the words that made so much sense, but were so damned wrong.

AJ went into the front seat, and Chris said, "Your mind is still mine, Allie. I'm sorry, but it is. Can't change that."

AJ turned around, looking at him angrily. "What the hell do you want from me, man?"

"The same thing you want from me," Chris said.

AJ turned back to the steering wheel, unable to believe the nerve, the damn nerve of Chris Sabin. He felt like he was trapped now; he knew it wasn't something Chris planned, but why did each word have to stab so deeply into him?

When they got back, AJ began carrying Chris again, this time to his room. It was full circle now; same car, same drunken Chris. Except last time, something that should've never been started, and this time, AJ was feeling the consequences. When Chris offered him a way out, told him that they could pretend it never happened, he should've just took it- he shouldn't have kissed Chris again right before they got to the hotel, and he sure as hell shouldn't have let it happen again and again.

AJ took Chris' key from his pocket with some struggle and opened the door. He threw Chris down onto the bed and then put the key down on the bedside table. Without being prompted, he took off Chris' shoes, trying to get him ready for bed. Chris watched him, unable to keep his thoughts to himself anymore as AJ pulled off his pants and threw them to the side. "You want something, Allie?" Chris said, trying to sound seductive.

"Shut up."

Chris struggled to sit up, looking AJ in the eyes. AJ stopped moving, waiting for Chris to say something. "Yes, yes you do. Admit it."

"Chris, I told you..."

"Admit it," Chris said, "Just admit that you want me..."

AJ's lips slammed against Chris' roughly, a kiss fueled by a mix of confusion, rage, and something that felt a lot like... no, he couldn't go there. AJ pulled away and stood up, yelling furiously at Chris "There! There! Are you fucking happy now?"

"No." Chris grabbed AJ's sides, pulling him onto his lap. It happened too easily; either he caught AJ off guard or AJ really wasn't as angry as he appeared to be. Or AJ wanted this just as badly as Chris did, and deeply, subconsciously, something told him not to fight. "I won't be happy until..." He grabbed the sides of AJ's face, feeling the same way he felt all that time ago, when he first kissed him. Scared, but willing to take the plunge.

He pressed his lips into AJ's, softly at first, but then increasing the intensity. He coaxed at AJ's lips, begging AJ to respond. Finally, AJ's hands were on his cheeks, pushing him closer as well, returning the kiss just as passionately. It was like breathing again; a moment of sheer fulfillment, like being fully alive for the first time in a long time.

AJ pulled away, a look of horror on his face. "Taylor," he said softly, and the one word reminded the both of them about the things that separated them.

"AJ..." Chris put a hand on his back, rubbing it softly. "Allie..."

AJ pulled away and stood up again, instead getting Chris into the bed. He threw the cover over him and said, "Goodnight Chris. You really should get some sleep- you're going to have a rough morning."

"Wait. Please." Chris looked up at him, almost begging, before he said, "Please. Stay with me. Please."

AJ stared down at Chris, trying to figure out what to do. Part of him told him to go to his room and sleep next to his girlfriend. He was breaching thirty; now was the time to think about a family, his future beyond the six sided ring. He'd always wanted to start his own family, give his kids everything he couldn't have. He wanted the traditional wedding in the church that his mother had been talking about since he turned twenty-one.

But another part of him wanted Chris, and the things that came with that. Fun. Laughter. No standards, no expectations- just happiness. And kisses like the one they just shared.

AJ kicked his shoes off and slipped into the bed next to Chris, telling himself that he wasn't walking into damnation. Hoping he wasn't walking into damnation. Chris, without delay, moved closer to AJ, pushing his head into AJ's chest and wrapping his arm around him. Resting against him, feeling his heart beat. "Thank you," he whispered quietly. AJ nodded, turning off the light before wrapping his arm around Chris as well.

_What am I doing?_

Soon, Chris fell asleep, his soft snores filling AJ's ears. He could imagine laying here forever, in the comfort of the embrace, but he knew he couldn't. He had to move. He didn't want to move. Taylor was downstairs. Chris was right here. Taylor was the right way to go, he knew it, but Chris felt right. And he couldn't fight the feeling.

_Damn it. Damn... damn!_

AJ slowly peeled Chris' arm off, sure that he wouldn't wake up. Sure enough, Chris just rolled away, laying face up on the pillow. AJ slipped out of the bed, grabbing his shoes, not bothering to put them on. If he turned around, he would stay forever, trapped in Chris' unexplainable gravity. He just had to keep moving, keep heading forward in the right direction.

_I just wish there was a way I could make him happy..._


	2. Cold Daylight

**For everybody who thought there was more to be said, and because Placebo obviously wants me to write Sabin/AJ angst**

* * *

**Cold Daylight**

The first thing he felt when he woke up was everything he consumed the night before working to escape his body. He quickly rolled off the bed and got to his feet, holding his breath to keep the inevitable from happening, until he got to the toilet in the bathroom. His knees hit the tile painfully as he spewed into the open toilet, his head pounding as the vile chunks sped out of his mouth and into the porcelain bowl.

His hands gripped at the seat, knuckles almost going white from the pressure. After what seemed like a lifetime, he finally got a breather- but the smell of his own vomit was almost forcing him to refill the toilet. Weakly, he reached for the handle, letting it all flush down. Wishing he was still asleep, instead of huffing in a bathroom and the hammer at his head beating harder every moment.

"Chris?" Chris Sabin looked away from the toilet, half expecting to see the man whose arms he fell asleep in at the door. Instead, there was Alex, holding a glass of water and a packet of Midol. He'd been sharing the room with his friend the first day or so, but then Alex decided that he'd rather share a room with his girlfriend, Gail Kim, than with Chris. Didn't matter; Alex already bought his half of the room, and now Chris had it all to himself. Whole room, half price... made perfect mathematical sense to Chris. "You finished, or you think you have some more in the tank?"

Chris let the next rough splatter of goo answer for him, his throat burning from the force of it. He could hear Alex backing up, saying something about how disgusting it was. Finally, he could reach for the handle again, breathing raggedly before saying, "Lights... off. Water... now."

Alex handed Chris the water and called for someone Chris couldn't see to shut off the lights. The glass went up to Chris' lips, the water gone almost instantaneously. Only the drops of water clinging to his lips proved there ever was any. "More," he put the cup on the sink, where Alex could easily access it. Soon, he had more in his hands, and he paced himself this time.

Once it was all gone, he laid his head against the seat and said, "How did you get in here?" A scenario formed in his mind of Alex opening the door and finding AJ behind it, the perfect picture of being caught in the act, but he doubted it. And almost hoped for it.

"What, am I not welcome?" Alex raised an eyebrow. "Still had your other key." It affirmed what Chris already suspected- that AJ had left long ago. "Gail and me had Cinnabon for you... but I don't think that's such a good idea anymore."

"Shut up, Shelley." Chris leaned against the toilet bowl, trying to remember the exact details that led to him falling asleep in AJ Styles' arms. He could remember there being three of his Allie's, and then being carried... and AJ coming into bed with him, holding him like they used to hold each other. At a time when Chris was so sure that he and AJ worked pretty damn well, and that it could become something more.

Alex's eyebrow raised. There was something that was bothering him about the whole thing; it seemed a lot more had Chris laying on the porcelain throne other than his hangover. "Maybe next time I should just let you drown in your vomit, you alcoholic bastard."

"I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a..." Chris trailed off, remembering the same exact words coming out of his mouth. Bits and pieces of the phone call returned to him, of waiting by the dumpster, convinced that AJ was too busy with Taylor to bother, thinking he should've called Alex instead...

The whole night slowly began to click together, from his stumbling out of the bar to AJ bringing him back to the hotel. He groaned, remembering all the things he said to him... he told him about his conversation with Taylor, for fuck's sake! "Shit," he muttered, thinking about how badly he must've screwed up.

_I tell Allie I'll leave him be, that I'd be there for him, and then I pretty much tell him I didn't tell Taylor about his little slip of the tongue because I expect him to. Way to fail, Chris. No wonder he was out before you woke up._

"You alright, man?" Chris looked up at Alex, not missing the obvious concern. Hopefully it was just over the alcohol. "You gonna spill again?"

"What... no," Chris groaned, the hammer pounding harder, mercilessly splitting his head in two. He put his hand to his head, half out of the agony, half still on everything that happened the previous night. "Maybe. Possibly. Just pass me the damn Midol."

* * *

Two days later, Chris made his way through the building, his hood up around his head. Alex was already off, going over his own story, leaving Chris on his mission. It could be a big mistake, and Chris could just be digging himself further into the ground, but he had to say something. He couldn't leave it at begging AJ to sleep with him.

He eventually found AJ in catering, thankfully not with Taylor but with Christopher Daniels, both men talking in hushed voices. He walked up to the table they were at, clearing his throat to catch both AJ and Daniels' attention. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"Nah, just talking some X-div stuff," Daniels said, "You need something, Sabin?"

Chris' attention was on AJ, searching for any emotion to his appearance, but there was none. Maybe this was a sign. "I gotta talk with AJ," Chris answered, "Can you excuse us for a minute?"

"No prob. Catch you later, Jonesey." Daniels slapped a hand on AJ's shoulder before nodding in Chris' direction. Chris watched the retreating back, making sure he was away before turning back to AJ.

"I'm surprised you didn't say anything," Chris whispered, still feeling like anyone could be eavesdropping on them.

"What was I supposed to say that wouldn't make Chris interested?"

"Good point." Chris grinned weakly. "So, I bet you're wondering what I'm doing here."

"You could say that," AJ said. "So... are you going to tell me? Or should I start guessing?"

Chris flinched; he didn't expect this to be easy, but he didn't expect for AJ to talk to him with such biting sarcasm. "Look, I'm here because I feel bad... you know, about a few nights ago. I never meant to... I was drunk, you know?" AJ didn't say anything, making Chris feel worse. "So, you know, I thought I should apologize."

"You don't have to." Chris gulped, unsure what to make of that line, and AJ leaned forward. "It never happened. We can leave it like that."

"You and I aren't good at pretending shit never happened," Chris said, making AJ frown. The silence that popped up between them was nearly suffocating; Chris wondered if AJ's mind was where his was. That morning all that time ago, when Chris told him they could pretend it never happened. "Look, just... I want to apologize. And possibly talk about keeping... that from happening again. What are you doing Friday night?"

AJ sighed, and Chris could almost swear he saw exhaustion written on his features. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"There'll be no alcohol involved. Just you, me, and some food to talk over." Chris fell silent, just gauging AJ's reaction to the proposal. The same exhaustion, barely visible but still detectable, shone out from AJ's face. _Should I keep pushing...? _AJ's face remained unchanged, so Chris kept talking. "This isn't some plot on my part. I really just want to talk. It'll be the last you ever hear from me about this thing. Just, one talk and we can put this away."

Chris stopped, waiting for AJ's reaction. For a long time, his countenance remained unchanged, but then he said, "One talk and we can put this away?"

A smile grew on Chris' face, and he nodded. "Yeah. One talk."

"Alright then." AJ stood up, looking down at Chris as he said, "I'll meet you at seven at the lobby. Any place in particular you're taking me?"

"Nah. Just food." Chris stood up as well, trying to keep himself from doing anything that could possibly ruin what he'd just achieved. Things he'd normally do. "A grease ball, you know me. So, I'll see you then?" Hope came across with every word. The thought of putting an end to the plan, telling Chris that this talk was a terrible idea and that they should move on and leave the past where it belonged crossed AJ's mind, but he knew the past was already molded in with their present.

He knew since Chris confirmed that he did, in fact, moan out his name while Taylor and him were getting intimate. The fact that he imagined doing something with Chris that they'd never gotten to, that he pictured it while his gorgeous girlfriend was doing the exact same act, horrified him in ways he couldn't properly express.

There was also the other night, how incredibly broken he looked with the bottle between his legs by the side of a dumpster. Outside of their previous relationship, Chris Sabin was a good friend, and it tore at him to see him that low.

Mistake or not, he knew he had to see it through. "I'll be there."

* * *

Chris had spent all of Friday nearly killing himself with his thoughts, flipping between pure optimism that it was the day that he and AJ could finally reach a type of understanding, and steeling himself for the possible letdown. It wasn't as if his Allie... he really needed to stop thinking of him as that.... was a stranger to disappointing him. When he got to the lobby, his nerves pushing him to arrive a little early, he was prepared for both outcomes.

When he heard his name shouted out, however, he couldn't help but feel pleasantly surprised. He turned around, grinning at AJ. He walked over and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "You know, I was half sure you wouldn't show."

"I said I'd come, didn't I? Why wouldn't I show?" AJ asked. The hand on his shoulder felt too good, too familiar, but he didn't want Chris to pull away. Bittersweet reminder of all the indiscretions he had ever committed with Chris.

"Good point. Let's go, pal. Don't wanna stay out too late and worry the missus, now do we?" Chris moved away, walking toward the door, knowing by the sound of footsteps falling in tune with his that AJ was following. His own word kept echoing in his head, 'missus'... that was stupid of him, calling Taylor his missus. Now all he could think about was AJ and Taylor, together, doing all the things Chris could never think about broaching with AJ.

The place Chris chose wasn't too far from the hotel, so they didn't need to drive. It was a pretty crowded diner; he hoped the amount of people in the diner would make AJ more comfortable to talk. After a few minutes of quiet waiting, they were seated at a booth, and a waitress slapped some menus on the table with a smile, telling them she'd give them a few minutes to think.

Chris looked through the menu, shooting back glances at AJ every now and then, trying to get a read on how well they'd be able to talk. His undivided focus was on the menu, as if they were really here for the food. "So, what's catching your eye?" Chris asked. A trial balloon, to see how high it would fly.

"Probably just going to get some wings and fries." Balloon shot down upon flight.

Chris turned back to his menu for a while, pretending to look it over when he actually knew what he wanted for a while. Finally, he had enough of the silence, saying, "You know, have you ever put mayo on your fries?"

"What?" AJ looked up from the menu, confused.

"Mayo. On your fries." AJ's face twisted with disgust, and Chris said, "Okay, I know it sounds weird, but it's fucking awesome. Especially if ketchup's already on top of them."

"You're damaged, Sabin."

"No really, you have to try it. Granted, I was high when I made this discovery, but it's kick ass." Chris grabbed a mayo packet and handed it over to AJ. "When we get the food, try it. I swear by this, man."

"And if I get poisoned, you're going to pay my medical bills?" AJ asked, grabbing the packet of mayo and studying it, like he'd never seen the condiment before.

"Such the drama queen. A little experimentation won't kill you."

"And you're the expert on that?" AJ put the menu and the mayo down, and Chris suppressed the desire to say _do you really have to ask?_

"I try everything at least once. Can't find what you really love when you stick in the box, pal." The waitress came back, taking their orders and leaving them by themselves again. "I'm a pioneer, Allie; I find the next big thing before anyone else." The name slipped out without Chris noticing, but AJ didn't seem to notice either.

"Because Chris Sabin putting mayonnaise on fries is really something to earn the title 'pioneer'," AJ shook his head, "You're nothing but a pothead who stumbled on something weird."

"You say tomato, I say whatever," Chris chuckled, "Watch. You will eat your words when I'm selling a bottle that squirts equal parts mayo and ketchup onto your food."

"You should be put down before that ever happens."

"You can't put down Chris Sabin."

"Watch me."

Chris suddenly began laughing, unable to keep a straight face. AJ started laughing with him, more at Chris' sudden fit than at the situation. The two friends continued laughing for a while, knowing that nothing was actually that funny, but not really caring.

"Chris?" Chris looked up through his peals of laughter, seeing that AJ looked a lot more contemplative than before.

"Yeah, man?"

"Is it impossible for us to be friends, at least?" AJ asked, "Can't we just be like before? You know, before all of this-"

Chris shook his head. "Nah, we can't. Allie, all it'll take is some liquor and another night by a dumpster for me to cross the line again. Sorry."

"What, we can't at least try?" AJ pressed.

Another shake of the head. "After everything we've been through, being just your friend isn't good enough."Chris could feel the disappointment from AJ, but Chris had to be honest with him. He wouldn't push AJ into something he didn't want to do, but Chris refused to be pulled into an awkward situation like that.

"Why does it have to be all or nothing with you?"

"Hey, you chose for things to be this way, not me. You were the one who started this, and you're the one who ended it. Don't get angry at me."

AJ leaned forward, the disappointment giving way to anger. "I'm _not _going to feel bad for ending something that was going nowhere quick," he hissed.

"Going _nowhere?_" Chris could feel his own anger building, "_Nowhere_? Are you kidding me? Well, I wish you told me that before I did everything you wanted me to do, keeping things quiet and following all your stupid rules. I must be clueless, because here I was wasting my time over something going nowhere!"

"You act like I'm the only one who wanted it quiet," AJ shot back, "Stupid hypocrite." AJ stood up, grabbing his jacket and moving away from the table in quick bounds. Chris got up eventually, following him as fast as possible. He followed him through the door and grabbed his arm, keeping him from going any further on the street. "Let me go, Sabin!" AJ snapped, trying to pull his arm out of Chris' hand.

"Hold the fucking phone, AJ." Chris turned AJ so they were facing each other. "Every time I kept myself from getting too close, and every time I played 'good friend', it was all for you. You think I liked having to sneak around?"

"You were doing it long before me!" AJ shouted, "I didn't know that you were queer until you were suddenly kissing me. Does Alex know? Does your family know? Does anyone know besides me!" The last line, less of a question and more of a declaration, made Chris step back and let go of AJ's arm. AJ wasn't asking; he knew.

"I thought so," AJ spat, "You might not want to admit it, but we both knew this had no future. We both knew _we _didn't have any future. You might like playing faggot with me in quiet, but to everyone else, in public, you're straight as can be. So shut up and just admit it. You and I were nothing more than a little experiment. It's done now. Get over it."

"Just like you got over it, Allie?" Chris asked, "Just like you got over it, moaning out _my_ name when you're fucking your precious little girlfriend? Like a little fucking _faggot_?"

AJ fumed, his face becoming redder, as if he was about to go berserk on him. He began huffing, and Chris still waited for the inevitable freak out. Instead, in a cold, quiet voice, AJ said, "Go to hell, Chris." AJ shook his head, turning around and walking away. He didn't look back. A million things ran through Chris' head, but he acted on none of them. He just stared at AJ's back, his fists clenching and unclenching repeatedly.

* * *

"_You act like I'm the only one who wanted it quiet. Stupid hypocrite." _

Chris sat on the side of the bed in his hotel room sometime later, staring at the night. It was times like this when he'd get out of his room, making some stupid excuse whenever Alex stood with him to sneak off to AJ's room. He'd call him up first, making sure he was rooming alone or that Chris or Joe or whoever was rooming with him was out of the way before appearing. If he wasn't, it was his turn to make an excuse and meet Chris in the parking lot or somewhere equally empty.

That was their relationship. An empty room or a place where they had to keep everything chaste for the benefit of those around them. The back stairs, the long way out. The night, when most sane people were asleep. And Chris told himself, he was just doing it because AJ was uncomfortable, because AJ needed time to get used to the idea that they were together. He never once thought that he was keeping the secret for himself.

_Maybe I am a hypocrite..._

Chris was so far into thought that he didn't hear the multiple knocks on the door, even as they grew progressively louder. He didn't even notice when the knocking was abandoned and the key was used, the door opening. Alex walked in, laughing, not noticing Chris' state in his own euphoria. He threw the hat off his head, a memento of the night he had, before yelling, "Sabin! I knew you'd be awake, you dumb bastard!" He chuckled and said, "You, me, some first person shooter! Whaddaya say, I'm _way _too wired to call it a night." Chris didn't answer, so Alex went on the bed, poking his best friend's arm.

"Earth to Sabin. I'm inviting you to get your ass kicked via X-box. This is the part where you start pretending that you have talent and say you're going to cream me."

Chris looked away from the window, Alex's poking finally catching his attention. "What... Oh." He shook his head. "Maybe later, Alex."

"Buzzkill!" Alex grabbed a pillow and threw it at Chris' head, watching it bounce off. But Chris didn't react at all, still sitting there, quietly staring out the window. "Chris?" Alex poked him again, concern written across his face. "Chris, are you okay?"

"Yeah. Sort of. Not really." Chris put his head in his hands, sighing. It had to be right then and there. If he wanted AJ to be honest with the world, he had to be also. "Alex, can I tell you something?"

Alex sat down, watching Chris for any sign that he was alright. "Sure, man. Anything."

This was it. The moment was here, and Chris couldn't find the words to begin to explain it. It made so much sense to him most of the time; what he and AJ had felt completely natural. The words came pretty easily. But here, sitting near his best friend, it seemed all the more difficult.

Finally, he said, "I haven't been myself lately. I know you've noticed."

"Yeah man, but you told me you wanted no help with your nookie drought. So I left you be."

"It's not a nookie drought." Chris trained his eyes on a spot on the floor as it all came flooding out. "It seemed so simple before, you know? I had no problem keeping it secret. He said he wasn't sure what it was, so we kept it a secret while he was figuring it out. And I was so sure he'd realize that what we had was pretty damn good, and we'd soon be out in the open. But then...."

"Hold up." Alex put a hand on Chris' shoulder, his mind catching up to exactly what Chris was saying. "Back up. _He?_"

"Yeah. He."

"As in, a guy?"

"No, as in a goat." Chris snapped, the bitter sarcasm dripping off his words. "Of course as in a guy."

Alex stood silent for a moment, but then he said, "This is a joke, right? Who put you up to this? Harris? Storm?"

"No, true story."

"So you were with a guy?"

"Sort of, yeah. Not quite in the way I would've liked it, but yeah."

"And you're okay with this?"

"Yeah," Chris nodded. "Completely."

"But wait, what happened? Did you and this guy... you know..." Chris knew what was coming next, so he grabbed Alex's hand, stopping him from motioning sex with them. Last thing he needed was Alex motioning the action, given the circumstances.

"He was never even comfortable enough to talk about it," Chris said, "Never made it past second base." The last statement hung in the air as Alex blinked, just trying to take it all in.

"Holy shit." Alex stood up, features twisted in complete disbelief. "Holy motherfucking shit. You sure this isn't a joke?"

"Is it so hard to believe?"

"Yes!" Alex said, "I mean, you're you. I thought I knew you. And now, all of a sudden, you're a homo."

"It's not like you came up to me and said 'Hey Chris, I'm straight'," Chris replied, shrugging, "Why should I go 'Hey Alex, I like guys?'"

"Okay, come on, my straight-ness was completely obvious. I mean, I brought Gail around you and everything. You never said anything, man. And I've seen you with girls, not guys."

"It's not that I don't like the ladies," Chris said, "It's just, I like a guy more than any lady right now."

"Which makes you a homo. Dude, why didn't you tell me before?"

"I already s-" Chris trailed off, looking up at Alex. "Wait a second. You don't care that I like guys? You just care that I didn't tell you?"

"Well, yeah. If you're a homo with such bad taste that you've never hit on me over the course of our friendship, why should I?" Alex laughed, "Bang who you wanna bang, man. Bang a tree for all I care. Doesn't change things between us."

"That's it?"

"What did you expect me to do, smack a bible over your head and tell you to 'go to hell, you stupid faggot'?" Alex said, "Yeah, that's it. Still think you should've told me, but whatever. I know now, right?"

"You son of a bitch!" Chris grinned, jumping up and throwing his arms around Alex. He began laughing, just relieved that it went as easily as it did. Alex pushed him off, a grin just as big on his face.

"What, I accept your differentness, and you insult my moms?"

Chris punched his arm. "Shut up, Shelley. I accept your differentness every day." Chris sat back on the bed, feeling better than he had in a while. He didn't understand how Alex took the news so easily, but he chose not to question "Look man, I got a favor to ask you. Do you mind going up to Detroit with me?"

Alex plopped down next to Chris. "No problem. Why are we going to Detroit?

"Got to see the family." Chris ran a hand through his hair, still smiling. He couldn't believe how much easier he felt now that Alex knew everything. He couldn't even name a single reason why he didn't just come forward before. "If that goes half as smoothly as this did, I've got a lot to be grateful for."

"What about your guy pal?" Alex said, "What's going on with that? Is he still confused?"

Chris nodded. "He and I have been done for a while now. And I miss him every day. I mean, I still see him, but it's not the same, you know?"

Part of Alex wanted to dig, wondering who the _he _Chris kept referring to was, but he kept silent. He didn't want to make Chris too uncomfortable, especially since he was so clearly hurting. "I could imagine. So, just tell me when we're going, and I'll get ready for it. Just give me a head's up before time, alright?"

"Thanks." They stood quiet for a while, but then Alex broke the silence, obviously thinking about taking Chris' mind off the situation.

"Can I kick your ass on the Box now?"

* * *

_Rough hands wrapped in the dark, shoulder length hair, pushing the owner closer as their tongues dueled. AJ didn't let up, holding his grip, feeling Chris move in his lap. Chris' own hands were on his shoulders, also working to keep them close together. Neither man cared much about breathing, just about the kind of feelings they were bringing out of each other._

_"Fuck Allie, you're going to kill me here," Chris grinned, panting._

_"Will you stop calling me that?"_

_"Ask me again later, Allie." Chris pushed AJ down, quickly holding AJ's wrists down next to his head, just watching the man breathing under him. "You know what you fucking do to me?"_

_AJ didn't say anything, still just breathing, a small smile on his face. He had some idea, apparently. Chris smirked, forgetting the question, moving his hands away from AJ's wrists. "Can you keep your hands up here for me, Allie? As a favor."_

_AJ nodded, his fingers wiggling a little but his arms didn't move from their spot. Chris bent down, speaking right into AJ's ear. "Now I want to see how long you can keep them up there. You ready for that, Allie?"_

AJ's eyes snapped open, his whole body in a cold sweat. Of all the nights to dream of, to think of, it had to be the one night they got close. The night that they nearly passed the realm of 'fooling around' and touched something real. AJ remembered how afraid he got, moving his arms and grabbing Chris' wrist with both hands when the fingers accidentally brushed too close. Frightened of where they were going and how much he wanted Chris to continue.

"Damn it." AJ's hand went up to his head as he stood up, wiping the sweat from his face. Why would he dream of _that_ after the night he had with Chris? He went back to his room, not even calling Taylor to ask if she was coming to his room that night; he went straight to bed, angry and confused. Wanting to punch Chris in the face and beg for his forgiveness at the same time.

First the thing with Taylor, and then this... things were quickly spiraling out of AJ's control. And that very thought was what found him, three hours later, in his car, driving around the town with no destination in mind. His phone was shut off; he could deal with the rest of the world when his mind was clear again.

He eventually pulled over near a church, feeling the need to go inside as soon as he passed it. He opened the door, very few people inside as it was a Saturday, but there were scattered people praying at the pews. He walked down the aisle to the front, where the pulpit was, sitting on the closest bench. Staring up at the cross behind it.

When he was a child, his mother always insisted they sat in the front row. At their church in Gainesville, little Allen Jones always stared up at the big cross, especially when the pastor said something he couldn't quite understand. For some reason, the looming cross always intrigued him.

"Can I help you, my son?" AJ looked away from the cross, the pastor smiling above him. He was middle aged and balding, but he had a jolly face and a calming demeanor. "I haven't seen you around here before."

"I'm just passing through, thought I'd come in," AJ said quietly, "Was hoping to get in touch with God again."

"No better place, my son."

The pastor patted his shoulder, about to leave, but AJ said, "Wait." The pastor stopped, looking at AJ as he held his hands together nervously. "Can we talk?"

"Sure." The pastor sat on the pew, next to AJ. "What's on your mind, child?"

AJ inhaled, and he said, "I have this... friend." The pastor nodded, prodding him to continue. "And he's recently gotten out of a relationship with another man."

"A friend, you say?" AJ whispered yes, knowing that the pastor probably didn't believe him, but he had to keep up the act for himself. "Alright then, continue."

"Well, he's stopped the relationship because he knows that he shouldn't be with another man, and he's trying to get his life back on track... but he can't stop thinking about the other man." The pastor continued nodding, taking in everything AJ said. "He's trying everything, but nothing's working. He can't stop thinking about him."

"Has he been thinking of him in a sexual way?"

AJ nodded. "You could say that."

The pastor stood quiet for a moment, and then he said, "You know, it takes time, but homosexuality is an affliction that can be cured. The bible tells us that we are created to find our other in the opposite sex. By birth, we are all heterosexual, and certain events can twist a man or a woman until they like the same gender. But it can be cured. Through determination and faith and obedience in Christ, your friend can and will find salvation.

"Your friend must refuse the temptations, refuse to partake in anything that may cause him to stumble. He must ask the holy spirit to lead him, to guide him into the light and the truth, and to teach him how to properly relate to men. The homosexual lifestyle will never give satisfaction, or fulfillment- only ephemeral gratification and excitement. By submitting himself to the holy spirit, by choosing to deny himself what he thinks he craves, by following biblical truth... he can heal his sexual brokenness."

AJ listened to each word, committing them all to memory. Wanting to believe that there was a cure, that there was a chance he could stop sinning each moment he lived and breathed. All because he couldn't stop having those damn thoughts about Chris Sabin. The pastor stood up and said, "Wait here, my son." He walked away, returning minutes later with a piece of paper.

"When your friend feels off track, point him to these verses in the scripture. Particularly this one." The pastor pointed, and AJ read, in the neat scrawl 1 Corinthians 6:9,10. "Make sure he chooses friends who will support his choice to heal from his psychological pain. And of course, tell him to trust himself to Christ and his teachings. And he will, I promise he will, find salvation." The pastor put his hand against AJ's shoulder, passing him the paper. "He can also look up testimonials from reformed homosexuals so that he can know that it _does _work, and he _will _find salvation."

AJ nodded, looking at the paper. Not recognizing any of the verses offhand but promising himself that he would look them up in his bible as soon as possible. He thanked the priest, staying a while longer to pray, for strength and for guidance, before heading back to his car. He folded the paper carefully, putting it in his pocket. Making sure he couldn't lose it.

He leaned against the seat, sighing. The pastor used words like affliction and pain, and they nagged at AJ. Nothing about his time with Chris was painful- nothing about what they did felt 'broken'. But he had to believe in the pastor, despite how off some things sounded... he was a man of God. He was trained in God's word. He said AJ needed faith and obedience, and it started there and then. Faith in a power above himself that would heal him, so long as he was dedicated to it. So long as he followed Biblical truth.

He began driving again, this time with a destination in mind. He wasn't sure where exactly he'd find it, but soon, he'd find a jewelery store. And then he could work on staying with God's plan, on his future. With Taylor.


	3. What it's Worth

**Because I'm a glutton for angst -_- I still own no one, and I have no idea what the real parents of Chris Sabin are like. If you understand why both names are funny, kudos, you're a fan of Sabin's. This is getting too real for me, damn.**

**

* * *

**

The lights in a city never go off. Even late at night, at a near abandoned gas station, there's enough light to see everywhere around. Chris Sabin could see everything around him, from the nozzle in his hand, to the gas pump it's attached to, to the car it's in. He could see the other car at the gas station, belonging to a man who looked like he was about to fall asleep right there at the gas pump.

He could see himself, his reflection in the car window, and he looked as empty as he felt inside.

He saw Alex Shelley approach behind him in the same car window, before Alex's hand even landed on his shoulder. Alex was worried, that much was clear; Chris was grateful that Alex wasn't pushing anything. Since they left his parents' house, he could tell Alex wanted to figure out what was going on.

And Chris wasn't entirely sure he was ready to talk about it.

"Got something for you, bud." Alex held up a bag as Chris pulled the nozzle out of his gas tank. "Microwave burritos. When's the last time we had some good gas station microwave burritos?"

Chris shrugged. He didn't remember, nor did he care much to try to. He knew Alex was just trying to help, but at that point, it was hard to bring himself to care much about anything. Alex's face fell, and he dropped his arm, deflated by Chris' flat response. He didn't say a word until they were back in the car again.

"I got you two. Had no idea how hungry you are." He pulled a bottle of Pepsi and a burrito out of the bag, and Chris quietly took them. He nodded in thanks before unwrapping the gooey burrito and taking a bite. Some sauce and cheese pushed out on the other side, soaking through the bag onto his palm- he'd forgotten how messy the greasy treat could get. But it tasted as good as it smelled, so he ignored the small burn on his hand and continued on his burrito.

Once Alex was sure Chris was satisfied, he pulled out his own burrito, getting to work on it. The two just focused on their burritos, Alex too afraid of saying the wrong thing to break the silence, and Chris reveling in the fact he could focus on anything but the events of that night. Once all the burritos were gone between them, Chris began to start the car, but then he stopped. He leaned back against the seat, letting his keys hang in the ignition.

"What's up, man?"

Chris sighed, putting a hand to his head. He could almost feel a headache coming on. "You must be curious."

"Well yeah sure I'm curious, you look like shit..."

"Thanks for the compliment, 'Lex."

"I'm being honest here." There was a slight pause before Alex continued, almost whispering; "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really. But I feel I have to." Chris could feel his insides twisting; he couldn't believe how much had changed over the course of a few hours. On the way over to Michigan, Chris was in a great mood; they blasted a few CDs and they took turns driving. When it was Alex's turn and they reached an empty stretch of road, Chris would stick his head out the window like a dog and just enjoy the breeze. Between the music, some curly fries, a big gulp, and the breeze, Chris had almost forgotten the reason he and Alex were taking this road trip.

Then the signs pointing to Detroit had two digits on them, and Chris remembered. He was going to explain to his parents that he'd been in a serious- albeit secretive, but still serious nonetheless- relationship with another man for a little over three months.

It still hurt, thinking about AJ Styles. They'd last talked about a week ago, and that ended well- Chris called AJ a faggot and then AJ told him to go to hell. It wasn't the traditional way to talk to someone you loved, but hey, since when was Chris and AJ's relationship traditional anyway?

Even though that last meeting left a bitter taste, it pushed Chris into making some changes in his life. Such as the way he'd been keeping his own sexual preferences a secret. He'd stood out there, asking AJ to take a chance with him, when he'd gotten comfortable in the secret too. It was only when AJ wanted out that Chris even thought to make it known how much he wanted to further what they had.

He wasn't planning on announcing it to the whole world. It was his life, it wasn't their business. But Alex and his parents were different. Alex was his best friend and well, his parents gave birth to him. He figured all three of them had the right to know. Everyone else could think he fucked trees for all he cared.

"So... how did it go?" Alex asked, prompting him. Chris didn't answer right away, so Alex hastily added, "You know, you don't have to say anything, we can just..."

"It was fucking terrible." Chris looked at Alex, a sad shadow of a smile crossing his face. It was devoid of any happiness, and Alex immediately wanted to stop Chris from going any further, but then Chris just started recounting the events that happened after they'd parked the car in front of the apartment his parents lived in and Chris left Alex to go speak to them. Once Chris began his story, he couldn't stop himself, nor could Alex bring himself to stop him.

* * *

About an hour earlier, Chris rang the bell to his parent's house. He turned back, putting on a wide grin and shooting a thumbs up to Alex; his stomach was doing flip flops, but he figured if he put on a show of confidence for Alex, some of it might rub off on him and he'd actually feel some strength.

The buzzer went off, and he opened the front door, walking up the flights until he got to his parents' apartment. The door opened and there was his mother, smiling widely as soon as she saw who it was. Chris opened his arms wide in anticipation, still walking forward, until he reached his mother. Rene Sabin was a head shorter than her son, so Chris leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead after hugging her.

"Chris! What a pleasant surprise!" She smiled at him, before grabbing his hand and pulling him into the house. She called out her husband's name, telling him to come quick, and soon, Chris found himself in his father's embrace.

"How've you been, champ?" Joshua Sabin asked, putting a hand on Chris' shoulder, smiling proudly at his child.

"I've been good, pops."

"You should've called before you came, we could've prepared something special for you."

"Don't worry about it, I'm not here to steal your food." Chris sniffed the air; it actually smelled kind of nice. "Okay, maybe I am. Mom, what is that?"

"I fried some chicken, sweetheart. Would you like some?"

Chris was sorely tempted to ask for some chicken, but then he reminded himself why he was there. "I'mma have to pass on that for now."

"What? You love my chicken." She looked a little offended, and Chris nodded.

"Of course I do, Mom, it's just... I came here to talk to you two." Chris motioned over to the couch, barely six feet away. "Can you guys sit down?"

"Sit down? Chris, people only say that when they have bad news..." His father's eyes widened. "Chris, have you heard something we haven't? Is someone hurt?"

"What? No..."

"Are you hurt?" His mom interrupted, bringing her hands up to Chris' face, "Oh God, did someone really hurt you?"

"Ma, I'm a wrestler, I get hurt on a consistent basis..."

"I told you, didn't I?" She said, talking more to his father than to him, "They're bleeding around each other, what if my baby got a disease..."

"Mom!" She blinked, caught off guard by the sudden outburst. "Mom. Listen to me for a moment, okay? I don't have a disease. No one's hurt. This isn't bad news. I just want you guys to sit down for me, okay?"

His parents both still looked apprehensive, but they did as he asked. Once they sat down, Chris walked over in front of them, looking from his mom's to his dad's face. He breathed in, telling himself he could do this; if he could tell Alex, he could tell his parents.

"Chris honey." Chris' eyes met his mom's, and she smiled sincerely. "You know you can tell us anything, right? If you're in trouble..."

"Mom. It's not bad news, I promise. I'm perfectly fine." He shook his head. "Actually, not perfectly. I recently went through a break up and it's still kind of fresh in my head. In fact, that's what I'm here to talk to you about."

"That's your big announcement? You broke up with someone?" His father shook his head. "Chris, I didn't even know you were with someone!"

"Dad, this is hard enough as it is, let me finish."

"Hard? Chris, I thought you said..."

"Josh." His mother laid a hand on his father's arm, hushing the elderly Sabin. Once he was quiet, she looked at Chris. "What is it, baby?"

Chris had their attention. There were no more delays; all he had to do know was just tell them. He should've thought about what he was going to say on the way over, but it had been so much easier to goof off, to forget, then to actually think about that moment right there. He wished he'd asked Alex to come up with him. Heck, he wished he'd come under different circumstances, standing there with AJ instead of feeling alone under his parents' eyes.

Chris couldn't even remember what he said. It felt like the whole world was on mute. He could remember his parents' reactions, though; his father stood up, a dumbfounded look across his face, while his mother remained seated, her eyes widening with shock.

"You're... joking, right?" His father put his hand on Chris' shoulder, this one a lot less affectionate than the one he got before. "This is another one of your idiotic pranks, right?"

Chris shook his head, and, as soon as he did, the hand fell from his shoulder. Chris opened his mouth to say something, but, before he could, his father just walked away. Going deeper into the apartment, leaving the room.

"Dad?" Chris shouted out, "Dad, you can't be serious!" He gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to punch something. He turned his attention to his mom, trying to find some glimpse of how she felt through her shock. "Mom, say something. Please."

Her eyes closed for a moment, and then she whispered, "Are you sure? This isn't some... phase?"

"This isn't a dye job or some stupid trend, mom. I've really thought about this. It's who I am."

"But, have you tried... not to be? How do you know that you are?"

"I just _do_, mom."

Suddenly, Chris found himself in her arms, her head against his chest. Her chest heaved as she sobbed against him, tears clinging to his shirt. He didn't know what to do other than put a hand on her back, rubbing it as she cried. As if he did tell her someone died.

He must've. Yeah, that's the only thing that could explain his mother clinging to him like a life raft. He pussied out in the end and said that Uncle Patrick died. Yeah, it didn't make sense for Rene Sabin to ask if Uncle Patrick dying was just a phase, but she was upset. She was probably speaking crazy.

That had to explain it. Because really, telling his parents that he was with a guy couldn't have caused that... could it?

* * *

"So, after a bit, she tells me she's gonna check on my dad, and perhaps it would be best if I left. And what was I supposed to say, between the waterworks and my mom giving me the boot I just... left." Alex nodded, wanting to do something, anything, to get through to his friend. He leaned over and put an arm around Chris' shoulder, unsure of what else he could possibly do.

"That sucks man. I'm sorry."

" Yeah, me too." Chris shook his head. "I mean, they're my _parents_. They gave birth to me. Aren't they supposed to love me unconditionally or something like that?"

"I'm sure they do."

"My dad walked away without a word. My mom told me it'd be best if I left. Yeah, unconditional my ass."

"It was just the shock, Chris," Alex tried again, "I'm sure they'll call you soon to fix things."

"Or maybe they're up there de-Chris-ing the house. We don't need a fag in the family, right?" Chris threw up his hands in defeat. "Now I know why people get all repressed and shit. I didn't want this." In that moment, he couldn't even be mad at AJ anymore. His parents weren't even that religious; he couldn't imagine AJ trying to explain to his devout mother what he'd been up to. He'd said, all that time ago, when AJ first told him that he was going to give Taylor a shot and that what they were doing was over, that they could be brave about this together.

But was it really worth it? Having the people who loved him and raised him reject him just because he wanted to be with AJ? Was it worth it for AJ to lose his family all over Chris? He never really thought this far. It was just supposed to be 'I like you, you like me, let's do this'. It wasn't supposed to be this _hard._

"Look man, just give it time." Alex patted his shoulder before moving his arm away, "Every thing'll be alright..."

"No. No, it won't be." Chris wasn't shouting, but Alex could still hear the amount of anger and sadness in his voice, "Fuck. They're my fucking parents, man. Shouldn't it just matter to them if I'm happy? Shouldn't they support what makes _me _happy?"

"But you're not happy, dude. Not anymore. Haven't been for a long time." Alex sighed; he knew Chris wasn't going to like what he had to say next, but he had to say it. "And... man, it's not that simple."

"What do you mean? It _should _be that simple. I'm their kid, they support me. Where's the part when it gets complicated?"

Maybe he should've waited for another time, a time when Chris was calmer. But now that Alex started, he was going to finish. "You just told them that they'll never get to be part of that big white wedding parents secretly plan when their children date someone for over five months. You just told them they'll never have grandchildren the way their friends will have grandchildren-"

"I can adopt when that time comes."

"It's not the same."

"I can get a surrogate..."

"Not. The. Same." Chris' face became cold with that last word; this was not what he wanted at all. Not then, and not from the only person that accepted who he was. He turned his face to the windshield, but Alex kept talking. "I mean yeah, they should support you, but you kind of took all their plans for you and ripped them to pieces. Give them a while to process. They'll come to their senses."

"And what if they don't?" Chris whispered, eyes still staring upward. "What if they never accept me? What then?" Alex didn't answer. He had no answer. He didn't want to even think about Mr. and Mrs. Sabin shunning Chris like that. "Shit, dammit. My parents don't want me now. Allie doesn't want me now. Heck, if anyone at work found out about this, I bet they wouldn't want me there either. Why the hell does it have to be this hard? I'm still the same guy."

"Give them time," Alex repeated, "They'll come around. As for the locker room, fuck them. They don't need to know where your dick goes. If you're not gonna go bragging about it, I won't. They won't find out anything." He blinked; suddenly, it hit him. "Oh, fuck. _Fuck. _Allie, Chris? As in... AJ?" Chris nodded. "Allen Jones. You were with Allen Jones." Chris nodded. "Well fuck me. You and AJ Styles. That... that's unexpected."

"What can I say, I like the guy. And the guy likes me. But the guy likes his soul more." Chris shrugged. "What can I do, it says laying with another guy is wrong in fucking Exodus or something."

"It wasn't Exodus."

"I don't care. Either way, God says we're wrong and AJ's all about being right. Doesn't matter how we feel, he wants a family and he wants kids and he wants to be all squared away with JC and he can't do that if he's with me. So... fuck me, I'm going to hell, and he's trying the domesticated thing with Taylor Wilde."

"Shit man."

"That's not even the best part," Chris added, sounding slightly manic, "I can't bring myself to hate him. No, not even a little. He fucking yanked me around for three months and dumped me so he can do his Christian thing, and I can't hate him. Because I understand where he's coming from now, I don't fucking want this anymore. And because fuck, I still want to be with him. All the time." He laughed, the empty sound unsettling Alex. "I'm a fucking fool."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am. And don't tell me I'm not, because I know I am."

Alex stared at him for a moment. He felt like he was letting Chris down, but he really had no idea how to make things better in the least. Finally, he said, "Alright, move out. I'm driving. You're in no condition to drive, and I'm in no condition to die. Come on, let's go." Chris didn't put up a fight, opening the door and moving to the passenger seat while Alex climbed over to the driver's seat. Once they were settled in, Alex said, "Just get some sleep for now, okay? We'll talk more in the morning."

"I don't know if I can sleep," he muttered.

"Yeah, well, try Sabin." Alex started the car, shaking his head. He needed a drink. Or maybe five.

* * *

Somewhere else, in a quiet hotel room, Allen Jones was sitting alone on his bed. Lucky him, Taylor was invited out with some other women to party, so AJ had some space tonight to think... the time to try to plan his next step forward.

In his hand was the ring he'd bought earlier. He studied it, moving it from side to side, the diamond shining every time the light caught it. He had no doubt that Taylor would love the ring, though he had no idea if she'd even say yes. He didn't even know what to say to her. They hadn't been together for long, but they'd known each other for a while now, and they were pretty damn serious. What if she thought he was moving too fast? Was he?

This wasn't how he visualized this at all. He thought there would be a moment when it became obvious that he would propose, yes, but he didn't expect it to be in a church talking about the thoughts he'd been having about a man.

Ah well. Sometimes, plans change. He could work with what he had. He just had to figure out what he would say, and how he would say it... after all, he couldn't just say 'will you marry me' randomly on a Tuesday. It didn't feel right.

If only it didn't seem so hard.

No words came. None. All he had was will you marry me, and those four were a given.

He kept twisting the ring between his fingers, hoping for any kind of inspiration. Finally, he just placed the ring back into the small box on the bedside table, defeated. He had time, right? He didn't have to propose to Taylor right away. He could think about it for a while, until he found the right words.

He walked over to his bag and pulled out his CD case and player, hoping some music would clear his thoughts. He flipped through them carefully, but then he stopped. Right there, next to his old Willie Nelson CD, was a 311 CD shoved into the pocket. He pulled it out, remembering the time Chris told him he 'needed' to educate his ears with 'real' music. Chris had carefully handpicked three CDs, poking AJ in the side until he promised- swore- that he would listen to all three of them in entirety.

Finally, he popped open the CD player, putting the CD inside. The first track began playing moments after he put the headphones on his head, and he laughed- he knew this one. He could vividly remember Chris hitting his hands on the dashboard to the beat of this very song, singing along as they drove around town late one night, trying to find a bar. Chris knew the lyrics by heart. Or maybe he was just really good at ad-libbing. Either way, AJ could remember that look on his face as he sang the song; it was pure elation.

AJ banged his head like Chris would, the words coming easy to him; he'd heard Chris sing them enough times in the past. He beat his hands against his legs, enjoying the movements he was making- and the memories they brought up- much more than the song.

"_C'mon, Allie, it won't kill ya to sing with me."_

Thinking of the nickname snapped AJ out of the moment. He snatched the headphones off his head, pressing the stop button on his player. He grabbed it and the ring box, walking to his bag and roughly throwing both inside of the bag. He kicked his bag carelessly before grabbing a sweater. He needed to get away from this, from Taylor Wilde, and from Chris Sabin.

All he wanted was some peace, and yet that seemed so far out of his reach.

He walked along the hall quietly, happy for the complete emptiness the night brought to it. He didn't have much of a destination in mind, but he didn't care. He just needed to walk. Escape.

He got on the elevator, pressing the button for the ground floor. He had to admit, if there was one thing he didn't miss, it was the secrecy. Between back staircases, the long way out, and watching his words around his friends, just getting together with Chris was a bother. Once they were together, that was another story entirely, but getting together was always a hassle.

"Wait just a minute, hold the damn elevator!" AJ leaned forward, pressing the open button, and soon Chris Harris and James Storm were inside. "Hey there Styles. Going down?" AJ nodded, waving at Harris. Harris returned the wave, and Storm continued, "So, where you off to this late in the PM?"

AJ shrugged. "Just had to get out of the room."

"Whaddaya know, Wildcat n'me was having the same predicament. We were thinking the hotel bar was callin' our number. Wanna join us?"

"Sure, why not?" The doors opened, and Storm threw one of his arms around AJ and the other around Harris.

"We have ourselves a plan! First round's on Wildcat, save your pennies Styles." He began leading them out of the elevator, ignoring the angry look Harris was giving him and the overwhelmed look on AJ's face.

"Forgive him, he's already a little drunk," Chris whispered.

"Nah, Styles doesn't mind me, do ya Styles?" Storm's hand clapped on AJ's side, and AJ nodded. It was somewhat sincere; after all, he and Storm had both been there when TNA had it's debut show. He was used to Storm's shenanigans. "See, me and Styles have an understanding." He turned to AJ, pressing a loud, slobbery kiss to AJ's temple. "This guy's a real pal, here. Ah, don't look green Wildcat, you know you're number one."

AJ brought a hand up, wiping his temple in disgust, while Harris smirked at him. If that was the cost of a free drink, AJ would've offered to buy the first round.

Soon, they were sitting at one of the tables, and the first round of beers was placed in front of them. Storm picked up his mug, holding it out. "To pals like Wildcat and Styles here." Harris and AJ both ignored the toast, and Storm flipped them off as he began drinking along with them.

"So," Harris said, turning to AJ, "You didn't have anyone to come down with? What about that girl you've been hanging around?"

"Taylor? She went out tonight."

"And you didn't accompany the lady? What're you, some kind of queer or something?" AJ tipped his cup, focusing on drinking, pretending he didn't hear Storm. "Ah, don't be like Wildcat now. You know I like t'fuck around."

AJ put his mug down, giving Storm the most relaxed gaze he could. "Yup. Queer. So queer I'm with one of the best looking women around here. And you're with... who again? _Wildcat?_"

"Oh hell yeah, I cook up Wildcat's clam real good." Storm blew a kiss at Harris, causing him to shake his head.

"Why do I put up with you?"

"You know you want you some, Chris Harris." Storm put a hand on his own chest, squeezing his pec.

Soon, one beer became two, and two beers became three- or six, in Storm's case. Storm was leaning against the chair, muttering nothings while Harris and AJ capped off their last beer. "That's James Storm," Harris said, pointing his mug at Storm, "I'll have to carry that load of dead weight back up. But I have to admit, never a dull moment with him."

"I could imagine."

Harris nodded. "So... did you just want to hang around alone? I know James can be overbearing, so I gotta know if we dragged you here..."

"Nah man, don't worry about it. We had a good time," AJ said, waving him off.

"That we did." Chris clapped a hand on AJ's back. "I'm sorry, I had to ask. You looked a little preoccupied when we got to you."

AJ nodded. "Yeah. Guess I was. Just some stuff with Taylor."

"Trouble in paradise?"

"Something like that."

"Whatever it is, you're wrong. She's right." AJ looked at Harris curiously, and he said, "Look, Taylor's a catch and you're an idiot. So if you're fighting, just know she's right."

"It's nothing like that." AJ shook his head. "No, me and her are fine..."

"Too fine?"

"How can something be too fine?"

"Easily." Harris pointed at Storm, who kept mumbling, completely oblivious to the two men watching him. "Look at him. He's drunk as fuck all the time, and I'm the one who has to take care of him when he gets a hangover. He's irresponsible. I end up paying for shit I didn't want to pay for. He leaves his belt around, and I'm the one who has to find it before we go out to the ring. But listen when I say this; I will never get bored with this guy. That's what keeps this friendship strong. Same with women. If a woman never bugs me, then she's not the woman I should be screwing. Because if you can't get angry at your woman, you can't have fun with your woman. More you can get angry at a person, more you actually care about them."

"EWWWWWWW!" Harris and AJ looked up, and they saw Storm bent over the chair. Orange spew splashed over a woman's shoes, and she was looking at them horrified.

"M'apologies, miss," Storm grinned, and the woman ran off, squealing. Probably to find a bathroom.

"You must really like James then."

Harris rolled his eyes at the statement, muttering, "Shut up, Styles!" He stood up and walked over to Storm, wrapping his arm around his body. "Come on buddy, you're done for the night." Harris started picking up Storm, who was coughing and protesting about how he could go for another round. "No, you're done. Hey AJ, you can go if you want. I got him."

"You sure you don't want any help?" AJ looked at Storm, who latched his arms around Harris' neck. Harris wasn't kidding when he called him a load of dead weight; at this point, he doubted Storm remembered his own name.

"Nah, we're good here." Harris smiled sheepishly. "But if you wanna follow us up, just in case..."

"I'll do it," AJ chuckled, nodding. He pulled one arm off of Harris' neck, bringing it around his, and he and Harris began carrying Storm towards the exit.

"Hey!" Harris yelled out to the bartender. He looked up, and Harris pointed to their table. "Charge everything we got up to room 421." The bartender nodded and went back to work.

Fifteen minutes later, Storm was sitting on the bed, somewhere between drunk and passing out. From his seat in the corner, AJ watched him mumble about random things, a little worried. "Is he... is he gonna be okay?"

"Oh, him? He'll be fine. Probably won't even have that bad a hangover, that son of a bitch. He'll be up and sexually harassing random backstage workers at ten." Harris dropped down on the armrest of the seat AJ was in. "Thanks for the help."

"Don't mention it."

"Well, if you insist." For a few moments, they just watched Storm talk into his pillow, laughing at the more random things that came out of his mouth. Finally, Harris said, "So, I heard they're thinking about making you and Chris a pair."

"What?" AJ tried to keep controlled, but his voice still went a little higher.

"Man, relax. I thought you knew about you and the Fallen Angel being a team."

_He meant Daniels, AJ. Of course he meant Daniels. Who else would he mean? _"Oh, of course I knew. Just didn't know you knew yet."

"AJ, if you're going into a program with America's Most Wanted, know that Chris Harris is on top of things. James might not be, but I am. I knew before they even thought you and Chris Daniels were a good team." Harris smirked. "Just wanted to wish you luck. I mean... it's gonna be a shame when the poster boys get their asses handed to them."

"Oh shut up, Chris and me can wrestle circles around you and-" He pointed at Storm with his nose. "Well, I think anyone can wrestle circles around him now."

"Don't worry about him, he takes the job seriously. If nothing else." Harris nodded. "Yeah, us four? We're gonna put on some good matches."

"You bet... hey, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure Styles, go for it."

"When you were talking about relationships, and being bored- do you really think that's true?"

"Oh, yeah. If you don't care about something, or someone, you can't get mad at them." Harris looked over at AJ, "That's... not what's up with you and Taylor, right?"

"No!" AJ stopped himself, seeing Harris' brow raise. He must've sounded way too defensive. "No. Me and Taylor are fine. And it's not like we haven't fought..." _I just can't think of the last time right now. _"I really care about her."

"Well then, don't stress about it. Whatever your issue is with Taylor right now, you two can fix it. Bet on it." Harris stood up, pushing his hair back. "Well, I'm going to get a shower. You should get back to your room."

"Alright." AJ said goodbye to Harris and soon found himself back in his room, back where he started. Except there was a new thought crossing his head. Had he and Taylor ever fought? And if they hadn't, did that mean he didn't care about her?

No. _No. _He cared. She was a great girl. She was _his _girl. And what the heck, so they haven't fought in a while? That didn't change the fact he cared about her.

He kept trying to think of the last fight he had with Taylor, but he could only think of one fight... the one he had the last time he saw Chris Sabin. One of the worst fights in recent memory.

_"I'm _not _going to feel bad for ending something that was going nowhere quick."_

_"You act like I'm the only one who wanted it quiet. Stupid hypocrite." _

_"Go to hell, Chris." _

If what Harris said was true, then he really cared about Chris. And when it came down to it, he missed his friendship. He couldn't leave things like that, telling Chris to go to hell. His whole being told him he had to apologize, had to make things right. But could he? Chris made it clear they couldn't be friends again, so could AJ fix matters without touching unwanted territory?

AJ sighed. Maybe it was time he looked up some more of those testimonials.

* * *

Taylor Wilde walked, barefoot, to her hotel room, holding her heels in her hands. She couldn't believe she was being treated like one of the girls, invited out with everyone else; she was one of the newer girls, and she was hardly used, yet she was able to be part of the group.

It was one of the reasons she was so surprised when AJ said yes to her; she was young, she was new, and yet he gave her a chance. At this rate, she would no longer be the rookie around the arena.

She opened the door, seeing AJ at the computer. "Hey there hun!" AJ's hand automatically clicked on the mouse, and he turned around, smiling.

"Hey Taylor." AJ stood up, walking over and throwing his arms around her. She hugged him back, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "How was your night?"

"Great." She grinned. "So, Mr. Shifty, what're you trying to hide?"

"What?"

"I saw that." She punched his arm gently. "What were you doing, watching porn?"

"What... no!"

"You were watching porn, weren't you?" Taylor poked his chest, still grinning. "Such a pervert." She walked over to her bag, pulling out of her shirt before looking back at AJ. His cheeks were so red that she couldn't help but chuckle. "You're really blushing! You've never watched a porn?"

Well, no. He hadn't. Ever. He couldn't even imagine watching a man and a woman having sex; it wasn't something AJ thought should be shared with the world. But what was worse... explaining that he watched a porn or explaining that he was reading testimonials from reformed homosexuals? "Well... it kind of popped up..."

"No need to be shy about it, hun. Everyone watches porn. You, me, your mother... okay, I probably shouldn't have said that, but yeah, it's natural." She slipped her skirt off, kicking it into the bag. She walked over to AJ, kissing him again, before saying, "I'm going to the shower. Want to join me?"

Something felt wrong here, and AJ knew it, even as he smiled back at Taylor. But he swallowed it, standing up and putting his arms around her bare waist. "Sounds great. Let's go." A giggle escaped Taylor's mouth as AJ began leading her to the bathroom, holding her steady as she backpedaled.

This could work. _They _could work. He could make it work.


	4. Saving Face

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own the following wrestlers, or any of the events that actually happened on camera, or anything else mentioned that is recognizable.**

**I respect the actual beliefs and sexualities of the following wrestlers.**

"You awake?"

Chris could hear Alex, but he didn't answer him right away. He pretended to fall asleep somewhere by Pennsylvania, just wanting to use the time to think about things without disturbance from his idiot best friend. About his parents, about life, and about AJ. Half of him wanted to be back in Detroit, arguing with his mom and dad until they accepted that he wasn't going to change, but the other knew things weren't that simple. And he'd rather not know how his father's real reaction to his announcement.

It wasn't like he didn't like girls. He openly stared at many of the women TNA employed. And he didn't really like guys, just the one who was in a pretty serious relationship with a girl. It wasn't like Chris couldn't get over AJ. He just hadn't given himself enough time. Maybe, one day, he could fall for someone else, and things could be different. He could at least be _friends _with AJ, things could be better with his family, and things could stop being so damned hard.

But convincing himself of that seemed a whole lot harder to do.

He felt Alex's hand roughly poke into his side, making him jump. "Earth to the mothership, get your ass up, we're coming up at the hotel."

"I'm up, I'm up!" Chris said, rubbing his stomach. "Shit man, did you stab me?"

"Then why didn't you answer me?"

"I didn't feel like it."

"Well, fuck you too, buddy."

Chris sat up, rubbing his eyes like he'd just woke up, stretching out. He couldn't decide if he was happy to be in Florida or if it just depressed holy hell out of him. Maybe it was both. Could it be both? It kind of felt like both. "Hey, Alex?"

"Huh?"

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"I mean it."

"I heard you the first time." Alex said, "Really, it's no big deal. Unless you wanna pay me back, well then, I really can't stop you, can I?"

Chris grinned; God forbid Alex Shelley take anything seriously. And maybe that was exactly what he needed. It had been so long since he'd genuinely been able to just be Chris Sabin. Chris Sabin wasn't this guy, he wasn't old enough to be this mopey guy. Or serious enough. Or ugly enough. "What do you want?"

"Chili Fries. Alone time with my girlfriend. The Batmobile. And some weed. And not necessarily in that order."

"How about I get you the first, you work on the second, we forget about the third, and you share when you happen on that fourth one?" One day, Chris told himself he'd tell Alex exactly what everything he'd done from the moment he came out to him meant to him. But they were barely even legal; if he started telling Alex he was permanently indebted to him, he knew Alex would milk it for all it's worth for the next sixty or so years that they lived, even if they stopped being buddies. So for now, Chili fries would have to do for gratitude.

Alex grinned right back. "Sounds like a fucking plan, my man."

* * *

Eventually, Alex split, sure that Chris wasn't great, but at least okay. Chris couldn't blame him; Alex did have a life outside him, a girlfriend, other friends. If you asked him when they first met which of them would turn out to be the normal one, he would've never guessed Alex. But there he was, a vision of what a twenty two year old man should be. While Chris' life was in the toilet.

But he was ready to fix it. Or, start to. Maybe AJ's philosophy on their relationship could work for him; hook up with someone, and the feelings he had would eventually go away. And maybe he could mend things with his parents once he could tell them it was actually just a phase. Or maybe all his maybes were total bullshit, but he had to try. He had to try to make things better.

A lot of things went wrong for him, and maybe the best place to start was right where it all began- with AJ Styles. It was that very thought that brought him to the hotel room AJ was staying in, knocking on the door. _Just don't let..._

"Oh, hey Chris!" He put on the best fake smile he could manage; of course Taylor would be the one to open the damned door. He kept trying to remind himself that she had no idea what was going on, and that he couldn't blame her for anything; but that didn't stop him from hating everything from her perfect little smile to her voice. And he hardly knew the girl.

"Hey Tay!" Even his voice sounded incredibly fake. "How are you?"

"Great, thanks! Yourself?"

"Super," he said, giving her a thumbs up, "So... your other half around?" He really needed to remind himself to stop referring to them as a couple. They were of course, and he knew that, but acknowledging it made it harder to keep up the fake smile.

"Oh, yeah. AJ!" She turned around, shouting into the room. A few seconds later, AJ stood behind her, expressionless as he saw Chris. He wrapped his arms around Taylor's stomach, seemingly reminding him that he and Taylor were together. Like he could forget.

AJ's mouth curled into a smile, one as false as the one Chris was sporting. "Hey man. Heard you and Alex were outta town."

"Yeah, well, can't keep Chris Sabin away from the action for long. So... can I talk to you for a minute? Won't take too long, swear." Suddenly, Chris couldn't help but be grateful for Taylor Wilde. If AJ had opened the door on his own, there was a chance he could've said no. With Taylor there, he couldn't refuse without making her question what was going on.

"No prob." AJ pressed a kiss to Taylor's cheek, whispering that he'd be right back, before she let him through.

"I'll bring him right back, Taylor," Chris shouted.

"Take your time!" Taylor closed the door as AJ nodded down the hall, asking Chris without words to walk with him. They quietly walked down the hall for a few minutes, no words forming between them. Chris tried to find the words to say, but he couldn't bring himself to start, so he just focused on aimlessly walking down the hall.

Eventually, he managed one word. "So."

"So." AJ echoed the word, seemingly unsure of how to talk to Chris either. It reminded Chris of the disaster at the diner; they were awkward at first then too. But one of them had to break the silence, bring things to ease. And hopefully, this time, things wouldn't blow up in his face again. As Chris opened his mouth, ready to work through the awkward silence, AJ began to speak. "M'actually glad ya came by. I've been wanting to talk to you too."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. Was waitin' for you to come back."

"Well, I'm here." Chris turned to look at AJ, surprised to see that his face was looking reflective. He didn't look angry, he just looked thoughtful. "So, should I go first, or you?"

"I'll go first." AJ leaned on the wall, collecting his thoughts, before saying, "I'm sorry."

"Wait, what? Why are you apologizing?" Chris asked, caught off guard. Of all the things that could possibly have come out of AJ's mouth, that was the last thing he thought of. "

"Because of... what happened. The last night we saw each other." AJ sighed. "You didn't deserve that, man. I guess I overreacted... I shoulda understood where you were coming from. M'sorry."

"Al, I overreacted. I was the one who said we couldn't be friends. And after everything I said, I'm the one who has to apologize." Chris looked down, wondering if he could actually do this. He knew he had to; he and AJ had too many friends in common, and a job in common. Eventually, someone would wonder what was up, and questions would be asked. He couldn't try to get over what they had unless they made peace, and let things go back to normal. "Sorry, AJ. And... you and me can be friends. I... want things to go back to normal too."

AJ nodded, just taking everything in. "So... do you think we can? Get things back to normal, that is."

"We're two capable guys. It shouldn't be an issue. I mean, things won't be exactly the same right away, but it'll be okay at least." Chris smiled, trying to reassure AJ and himself that they could do this. That in no time at all, he and AJ could fool everyone they knew into thinking that nothing ever changed between them. "AJ, I've been doing a lot of thinking since... you know. And maybe you were right."

"About what?"

"About... us going nowhere." He knew he didn't believe himself, but he could lie. Not the best way to begin their new start, but it was the best Chris could offer. "So, here's to a new start." Chris held out his hand, offering it to shake.

Instead, suddenly, AJ's arms were around him in a friendly hug. Chris blinked, but then he put his arms around AJ too. He felt nice, warm. And in that moment, Chris remembered every reason why he cared about Allen Jones the way he did. _Dammit, AJ..._

"Thanks," AJ said, patting his back before he pulled away. "You have no idea how much this means to me."

"I think I do. Means a lot to me too." Chris wished he could read AJ's mind, find out exactly what he was thinking. "And for what it's worth, you and Taylor look great together. Wish you two nothing but happiness."

"Thanks Chris." AJ smiled, this one more genuine. He actually looked thankful that this all happened. Chris couldn't help but wonder how much of that had to do with the fact that he gave up on the 'not friends' stance. "Same to you, man. So, I'll catch ya around?"

"Of course. Take care, man." _Note to self: no hugging AJ. At least not until you're well into this 'getting over him' thing._

_

* * *

_"Right foot green!"

Petey sighed, putting his leg between Traci's, bridging his back in an attempt to keep upward. His left foot was on blue, and so was his right hand. He could feel himself shaking, but he wasn't going to lose to Traci Brooks. He'd already beaten Chris, now all he had to do was beat Traci. Alex and Chris chuckled to each other; they were pretty sure Petey was going to tumble.

Alex flicked the spinner, watching it turn until it landed on a color. "Alright Traci. Right foot blue."

Traci nodded, taking her right foot off of red and moving it to a blue space. Petey turned red, trying not to stare directly at Traci's tits, but it was hard when she was arching over him. "What's wrong, Petey?"

"Nothing... I just..." _Can't stop staring at your tits..._

"Left hand yellow!"

"What?" Petey shook his head. He couldn't stare at Traci's chest. It was rude, and shit was it distracting. He moved his hand to yellow, making his position even more awkward. Between that and trying not to ogle Traci, he knew there was no way he was winning this one. He stumbled, his back touching the mat, laughing at himself.

"And we have a winner!" Chris shouted, "Miss Traci Brooks... or should I say her muffins. Damn Trace, that was evil."

Petey stared up at Traci, who just grinned down. "I wanted to win, sorry." She jumped up before offering her hand to Petey, helping him off the floor.

"Hey Traci, can I stare at your muffins?" Alex asked, "I'll let you win any game, swear."

"I doubt your girlfriend would like that."

"Well, she's not here, is she?"

"Pig."

Alex made an oinking sound, and they both laughed. Petey looked over at Chris, with a look saying _can you believe this guy_? Chris just shrugged; there was no way he was changing Alex Shelley now. "So," Traci said, looking over the three men, "Who's next?"

Three games later, the door opened, and Gail came in carrying two bags, both filled with drinks. "I come bearing gifts. And idiots." She walked inside, letting Christopher Daniels walk in, holding three boxes of pizza, and AJ brought up the rear with bags filled of what could only be such foods as Cheetos and Doritos.

"Sweet." Alex stepped forward, grabbing a bag from Gail, pulling out a bottle. "Oh dear baby Jesus I love you." He brought the bottle up to his lips, kissing it, before looking over at Gail. "What? I love you too, but we were drinking water over here. We were in _major _need of booze." He looked over at Chris, nodding him over. "Let's go Danny, we've got people to feed!" Daniels carried the boxes over to the bed, opening the first, and letting the smell of a supreme pizza fill the room. Everyone gathered around the pizza, ripping off slices for themselves.

"Hey, can we get at our cheese?" Traci asked.

"In a minute, the men are eating." Gail slapped Alex's shoulder, making him mouth 'What did I do?'

AJ put the bags down on the nightstand, making his way over to the pizza. He ripped off a slice for himself, stuffing a chunk into his mouth. "Hey, AJ?" He looked up, seeing Chris. They didn't talk much anymore; not unless there was a big group of people around. They were definitely never alone. "Please tell me you got my cool ranch."

"Wouldn't forget them."

"You rock, bitch." Chris bit into his own pizza, savagely eating it as well. Some things never changed, and one of those was eating habits. It had been a little over a month since Chris and AJ decided to try being friends, and Chris thought they were doing fairly well. Sure, he still thought about AJ every now and then, and maybe AJ was the one he was thinking about the last time he had some 'self-improvement' time, but he'd been able to keep things friendly. Work, video games, moments like this when they were all bored and decided to eat pizza and play twister in Petey Williams' room; it was pretty normal. He'd pretty much fooled everyone.

Except Alex, but he never said anything about it. He'd pretty much taken the stance 'you're a grown man, I'm pretty sure you know what your doing, I won't step in.' He was grateful for it too. If Alex ever decided to question if he was okay with hanging around AJ, Chris was pretty sure it'd make him question himself. At least he hasn't had to apologize over the past month; he'd already done it way too many times with AJ, for mistakes and things he wasn't even sure he had to apologize for.

_We're moving on, _Chris reminded himself, trying not to dwell on... that stuff. Whenever he saw AJ and Taylor together, saw that sweet grin on AJ's face, he knew that he'd managed to move on. There were no more awkward moments. AJ seemed genuinely happy with work, his friends, Taylor, and life in general. And maybe one day, Chris could follow his lead.

"So, who's up for some Halo?" Alex shouted out, taking another slice, "Loser has to eat Petey!" Everyone laughed as Petey nearly choked on his pizza.

* * *

AJ crashed on the mattress as soon as he got back to his room, unable to keep the grin from his face. There was nothing better than pizza, video games, and watching Alex Shelley try to force Christopher Daniels to eat out Petey Williams. For so long, normal felt out of his grasp, yet here he was. It was as if the last few months never happened. More days like this, more nights with Taylor... he was sure he'd be able to get it clear out of his head.

He hadn't given more thought to proposing since the night he went drinking with Harris and Storm. He remembered it every time he went through his bag and passed the small box, but he always told himself that he'd know when the time was right to propose. And it wasn't. Not yet, anyway. For now, he would happily stick to dating Taylor, strengthening his relationship with her. The right time would come, soon enough.

He could feel the bed dip under her weight, and he moved over, giving her room. Soon, she was laying right next to him, snuggling into his side. "You tired, Allen?"

"Yeah. Forgive me if I fall asleep on top of you." AJ pressed a kiss to her forehead. "What did you do today?"

"Met with my mom, talked some. She wants to know if you can come home with me for Christmas. She wants to cook for you."

"Tell her I'd love to come over for Christmas."

"Good. She's been wanting to meet you for a while." Taylor wrapped her arm around AJ's midsection, leaning against his chest. "Also did some Christmas shopping."

"Oh? Get me anything?"

"You'll have to wait on Christmas for that, big guy. It's just another two weeks. So... get me anything?"

"Little hypocrite." Taylor giggled. "Oh, and you think it's funny, huh?"

"No, I think you're cute." She kissed his chest before looking upward. "My parents are going to love you, you know that, right?"

"You really think so?"

"Yeah. They'd be crazy not to." She grinned. "So, you wanna give me a hint?"

"You wanna give _me _a hint?"

"I asked you first!" Taylor laughed.

"Alright. Well... it's something. A solid object, you can say."

"You ass." She slapped his stomach, making him laugh. Yeah, he was in a good place right then, and he wouldn't trade it for anything. Sure, he still thought about the past every now and then, but it was happening less and less. His obedience was paying off, every step he took to reform was paying off, and he had no doubt that he'd soon be ready to take the next step with Taylor.

Things were finally going his way. And hopefully, it would only get better from there.

* * *

It was easy for Chris to pretend things were alright when he was surrounded by people, having a good time. But then he went to bed, and in the silence, he remembered everything.

If it wasn't AJ he was thinking about, it was his parents. Sometimes, it was both. But he'd throw himself into the charade until he damn well believed it. He'd allowed Petey to hook him up on dates, none going to well. He wrestled. He had fun with his friends. Things were closer to the way things were. No relationship, no matter how much Chris cared for him, was worth not talking to his parents for over a month. He'd missed Thanksgiving, unwilling to find out if his parents still wanted him around. And now Christmas was coming up, and for the first time in all twenty three of his years, he would probably miss that too.

"Shit." He put his hands on his head, sighing. He couldn't imagine Christmas passing by without him seeing his parents, giving them a gift, getting one of his own. Tasting his mom's roast. Laughing as Uncle Patrick ate popcorn off the hangings, only to get lectured by his mother later. And that pudding he didn't really _help _his grandma make but took credit for anyway; he just licked the spoon clean and washed the dishes for her when she was done.

Finally, he picked up the hotel phone, using it to dial his house number. He didn't use his cell, too afraid that they'd see the number and automatically reject him. He just wanted to hear their voices, and possibly see if there was a chance that they'd be willing to talk to him. After three, long, fear-increasing rings, he finally heard a "Hello?"

"Mom, please don't hang up," he said. He couldn't keep himself from begging; it was like he was a child again. One time, when he was little, maybe five, he decided to play the 'I'm invisible' game. His parents eventually began playing along, and even when he wanted to stop, they kept it up. He remembered crying that he didn't want to be invisible anymore and that he wanted some of momma's "scetti", and his mom picked him up and apologized until he stopped weeping.

It was like he was invisible again. And although he wasn't crying, he felt just as upset as he did all those years ago. Hearing her voice, so warm and kind, when the last time he saw her she told him through tears that it would be best if he left, just crushed him.

"_Chris? _Chris baby, is that you?"

"Hi ma," he said, "It's me."

"Good God." She sounded close to tears herself. "Chris, I was beginning to think I'd never hear from you again."

"You could've called me, ma. I was the one you kicked out of the house."

"No, no! Chris, it wasn't like that. I'd never kick you out of the house."

Chris couldn't say a word without yelling at her, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. That was _exactly _what she did. Finally, he took a breath, preparing to speak again. "You told me it would be best if I left."

"Because your father was upset, and I didn't want to see things get worse!" He was sure she was crying then, and he immediately felt terrible. He knew he was right, but he didn't want to hear his mother _cry_. "You have to know I'd never abandon you. Chris, I love you. You're my baby."

"I love you too, ma," he said.

"I was shocked, sure, but... if that's what you are, I'll accept it. You're still my Chris." He could hear her blow her nose, and all he knew was that he wanted to be beside her. Hug her. "Chris, you have to believe me, I'd never. Please tell me you believe me. Please."

"I believe you." He could hear her mutter thank you, more to some mystical force- or maybe God- than to him. It was probably the most times he'd heard his mother address God in his whole life. After a pause, he said, "Has... dad talked about me?"

"No. Not since the day you were here. He... he looks at that picture of you. You know, the one of you in your little league uniform?"

"The one where I don't have my front teeth?" Chris knew the picture. He hated it. An incident with a bat knocked out his front teeth, and for some reason, he liked to grin wide when he was little and poke his tongue through the opening. He looked like an idiot. But his father loved the picture, hanging it up in the living room. He told the story of the bat knocking out his teeth like it was some heroic tale.

"Yeah, that one. He looks at it all the time, and when he does, I know he misses you."

"But he hasn't said anything."

"He will, honey."

Chris sighed; at least he didn't know what that meant. It could mean he needed time to accept it, or it could mean that he wanted nothing to do with his same-sex loving son. If AJ were a girl, all his problems wouldn't exist. And he still didn't understand why it was a problem. He knew the arguments, he wasn't an idiot, but he just didn't get it. It made no sense to him at all. "Ma, I... I want to talk to him."

"I know you do, but you have to give him time. He'll come around, I know he will." She didn't even sound like she believed herself right then. "Just give him some time to think it through. He loves you, Chris."

"Alright. I will." He nodded, knowing he'd probably be spending Christmas in Orlando. Alone. After they filmed on the 21st, people would filter out to their homes, and Chris would try to distract himself in the hotel room. He could already see this being a terrible, terrible experience. But he couldn't let her know how disappointed he was. He couldn't make her cry anymore.

Life sucked balls.

* * *

AJ couldn't believe how cold it was in Toronto. He was lucky Taylor reminded him to bring a coat; he was so used to Christmases down south that he probably would've forgot it. He knelt down in the snow, running his fingers through it. It was nice. It felt a lot more like the kinds of Christmases he saw on television.

A bunch of Taylor's cousins were having a snowball fight, while the female family members attempted to make a snowman which looked a lot more like a mountain. Most of the adults were inside, cooking or putting last minute decorations up for the next day, but some were around, watching the younger ones run around the yard, throwing snow at the kids playfully as they passed.

A snowball slapped him in the head, making him look up. The kid was maybe seven, giggling at his triumph. AJ grinned before grabbing a handful of snow, giving the little boy a chance to run before he tossed it in his direction. He expected it to miss, but he wanted to play along.

"You know, you play along, they come back." AJ turned around, smiling up at Taylor. She held out her hand and he took it, letting her help him to his feet.

"Maybe I want them to," he said, "They look like they're having fun."

"Aren't you glad you came now?"

AJ put his hand on the back of her head, gently bringing it over and kissing her forehead. "Already was."

"Now kiss her on the lips!" AJ and Taylor both turned, seeing a little girl grinning up at them. AJ couldn't see much of the small girl in the coat, but her face was a lot like Taylor's. He could tell they were pretty closely related. Taylor laughed, waving her hand as if to shoo her.

"Come on Shantelle, give us some space."

The little girl pouted. "Come oooooon, Auntie Taylor." She walked over, tugging AJ's arm. "Make her play with me, please?"

"Well, I can't make her do anythin'." AJ said, kneeling down so he can look in the Shantelle's face. "Tell ya what, I'll play with you though." Shantelle grinned, leaning forward and pressing her lips to AJ's cheek.

"Come on, I wanna make a snow fort!" AJ stood up again, allowing Shantelle to pull him away, laughing. He turned back to Taylor, shrugging.

"I guess m'making a fort!"

Taylor's smile grew wider. "Can't wait to see it!" AJ hoped Shantelle knew how to make forts; he had no idea where to begin. But he wanted to try to make a fort. And he liked feeling like he was a part of Taylor's family.

Things were falling into place for AJ. This was something like the life he'd always seen himself having.

* * *

"You handled my family well." Hours later, as the loud pre-Christmas cheer died down into excited sleep in hopes 'Santa' left the children the things they wanted, AJ and Taylor were able to wind down. AJ looked around Taylor's room; it looked like it hadn't changed since she was a teenager. Pictures littered the room of a younger Taylor, at school, with friends, with family. There were some certificates for perfect attendance on her dresser, and a ribbon for English hung off the top of her mirror.

"Your family was easy to handle."

Taylor nodded, noticing that AJ was looking around her room. "I'm not here enough to redecorate it, you know that?"

"It's cute."

"It makes me feel like I'm still sixteen." She walked over to her bed, sitting down and smiling up at AJ. "Like you're the guy I snuck up here for some alone time."

AJ joined her on the bed, chuckling. "How many guys did you sneak up here?"

"Allen, a lady doesn't kiss and tell."

"I thought that was gentlemen."

"Them too," she nodded. "So... guess what time it is."

AJ turned, looking at the clock on her nightstand. "12:13."

"You cheat." She chuckled, but then she bent over the side of the bed. A few minutes later, she came back up, holding a bright purple bag. "Merry Christmas, AJ."

"Thanks, Taylor." He opened the bag, pulling out a tin container. He read the name across the top in his head, sure he'd mess the last name up if he said it aloud: Jean Paul Gaultier. He had no idea who that was at all.

"You don't have much cologne, but I thought you'd like this one." AJ opened the tin, taking out the oddly shaped bottle. He sprayed some on his hand, taking a small whiff of it. It didn't smell bad; it was actually pretty nice, but AJ couldn't see himself using it. The colognes he did own lasted for long periods of time because he never really used them. He didn't say anything, not wanting to tell Taylor he wasn't much of a cologne guy, instead walking to his bag. He dug around, looking for the small blue box, a necklace he'd bought at Gail's suggestion. He went back over to Taylor, holding out the box. "Merry Christmas Taylor."

She took the box, opening it and smiling at the necklace. She picked it up, holding it in front of her face. "It's beautiful." She leaned over, pressing a quick kiss to AJ's lips. "Thanks baby." She placed the necklace back in the box gently, placing it on the bedside table. "You really enjoying yourself here?"

AJ nodded. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Anytime." Taylor lay there quietly for a moment, just looking peaceful. "Maybe next time, I can go over and spend time with your family. It'd be nice to have one Christmas when I didn't freeze my ass off."

"We'd happily have you over." As he said it, he realized that Taylor just suggested that they could possibly be together a year from then. If there was any time to propose, it would be the perfect time to do it. She admitted that she saw this as a long time thing, he wanted this to be a long time thing; he could go to his bag and kneel on one knee, make it official. He liked her family, had fun with her, they shared a profession and a passion, she liked his family... there was no reason for him not to propose.

But he couldn't bring himself to move from that spot on the bed, ruin the peace they made.

Finally, he leaned over, pressing a kiss to her cheek and whispering Merry Christmas one last time before turning off the light. Things were perfect the way they were; there was no need to rush. He didn't need to propose yet.

* * *

Chris was relieved when people started flying in. He had spent most of his holiday with such loyal friends as Jack and Jim and General Tso and three different versions of Ebenezer Scrooge, and he was relieved when the first people started coming back. He was best around other people; when there was no one to keep the charade up for, he found that it was near impossible to pretend he was happy.

But people were back, and that's all Chris wanted. Company.

He wondered how Alex's time in Canada went. He didn't meet Gail's family, he said, but they spent a lot of time at her place. They went out for dinner on Christmas and spent every other day holed up in her house. Chris had no idea that Alex had the mental capacity to spare the gory details, yet he did.

The wonders of a steady girlfriend.

He stood outside the hotel, waiting for Alex and Gail, ready to force himself into their business third wheel style. They could have alone time at night; he was in desperate need of company, of something to do other than eat bad takeout and drown himself in alcohol. Finally, he saw Alex in the passenger window, banging his head to some unheard song. As it stopped, he walked over, knocking on the window. Alex lowered it, grinning over at him. "You missed me that much?"

"Shut up." He didn't need to know how much. He held out his hand, giving Alex a high-five, before looking passed him to the driver. "Well. My my, Gail, you gained some pounds."

"Yeah, and I cut my hair too. How does it look?" AJ asked sarcastically.

"Gorgeous. Dump the zero, Gail. You deserve a hero." Chris winked over at AJ before flexing a muscle. He didn't expect to see him there, but he'd act like nothing was wrong, even if it meant flirting with Gail "Styles" Kim.

"I might actually take you up on that offer," Gail called from the back. She opened the back door, hopping out, and Taylor came out after her, passing Gail her baggage. Chris said hello to both of them, still unable to keep the fake honey smile from his face when he talked to Taylor. It was a shame and he knew it; he didn't know Taylor. For all he knew, beyond the bubbly exterior lie someone pretty cool. She was a pretty good wrestler, from what he'd seen of her work. But as it stood, she had someone that, at the end of the day, beyond all the jokes and friendly gestures, he wanted. He just couldn't like her.

Ah well, he was a grown man and he was allowed at least one irrational hatred. Or two.

"So." Chris pointed from Gail, to Taylor, than to Alex. "Where'd you pick up the strays?"

"We were all flying back from Toronto, so we decided to fly together," Gail said, "It gave me something to do other than listen to Alex fart for four hours."

"I did not fart. AJ, tell her I didn't fart."

"I don't get involved in domestic disputes," he said, putting his hands up in innocence.

Alex flipped AJ off, before turning to Chris. "I was the picture of great seating buddy. AJ's being a dick."

"You stole my cake."

"I thought you didn't get involved!"

"You called me names!"

Chris scratched his head, watching them go back and forth, unable to keep back his amusement. He held out his arms, more so because he felt more comfortable with the situation the sillier he was. "Ladies, since your men obviously want some alone time?"

Gail and Taylor both shared a grin before going on either side of Sabin, grabbing his arms and letting him lead them inside. AJ slapped Alex's side, showing him that Chris was taking their women. "Way to go, Styles, now Sabin has our girls." Alex reached out, hooking his arm around AJ's like Chris did with the girls. "You owe me."

Alex knew exactly what Chris was doing, had been doing for the past month or so. And he decided not to ask any questions because, most of the time, Sabin looked genuinely happier than he had in a while. But he couldn't help but wonder if this pretending nothing happened thing he and AJ seemed to be on was actually working. Until he got proof otherwise, though, he'd play along.

Chris waited with the girls inside, just grinning as they talked about some story they heard on the way over. Eventually, Alex and AJ came over, bearing keys. They all went upstairs; Chris watching as they put stuff down and settled in. Instead of being a third wheel, he got to be a fifth. But the more the merrier, even if the more included Taylor Wilde.

"Hey," Alex shouted out, "You guys up for a movie? There's that scary Christmas flick I wanna see." A few different versions of yes came at him, making him pump his fist. "Yes! No way to cap off the holidays like watching pretty chicks die."

* * *

The more people that came back, the easier and easier it got for Chris to lose himself in working and having fun. New rule- being alone gives one time to think, so it's a terrible, terrible thing which should be avoided at all costs. Chris didn't _want _to think. He wanted to just do, distract himself with spitting contests with Sonjay, playing pranks on Joe or Petey, or playing video games with Alex, Daniels, and AJ. The multi-player always made for fun times, even if Alex screen-watched the whole time and got more head shots than anyone.

When he was alone, there were only thoughts of loneliness, of betrayal, of feelings that were still very real, of fresh pain. His mom, crying. His dad, not saying a word, just walking away from him. AJ, all those months ago, staring at him with guilt filled eyes as he tried to explain why they weren't going to see each other anymore.

He had to move, to joke around, to smile. It was a temporary escape, but it was escape nonetheless. And it was better, at least, then where he was before.

Once actual tapings and shows got underway again, Chris also had the luxury of being completely exhausted sometimes. When that happened, there was a lot less thinking and a lot more sleeping. The more occupied he was, the better life went. It wasn't perfect, but at least he wasn't drunk behind a dumpster hoping that AJ cared enough to at least come find him when he was in that state.

Tired, somewhat okay, and not all kinds of fucked up: it was the best he was going to get, and sometimes, a man needed to know when to settle. Especially when he had matches like the one he had that night- even if he had to eat a Canadian Destroyer, he felt pretty damned good, high off adrenaline and surrounded by guys joking around and talking about their matches.

"What have we got here?" Chris turned around, chuckling as Daniels held something out of AJ's reach. Normalcy. It was kind of nice, knowing that through the shitstorm, some things didn't change. Friendships didn't change. Daniels still bullied AJ, and little things like that made it easier to believe that life was still somewhat

"C'mon, give it!" AJ said, reaching to get it, but Daniels stepped backward. He was unwilling to let the game end so soon.

"I just wanna see it, AJ. What, a gift for your lady?"

"What's it to you?" AJ lunged forward, but Daniels dodged quickly, barely avoiding being tackled down.

"Just let me see it!" Daniels looked over at Sabin, and nothing needed to be said. He knew how keep away worked. He put his hands up, catching the box when Daniels threw it to him. AJ whirled around, shock written on his face.

"Sabin, hand it over," he said quietly, holding his hand out.

"What's the matter, giving up already?" Chris chuckled, opening the box. He quickly pasted a smile on his face, hoping his initial reaction wasn't too apparent. He looked up at Daniels, who looked surprised, and AJ, who was looking at his feet.

"Congrats man!" Daniels slapped AJ's back. AJ laughed a little.

"Don't jinx it, Chris, I ain't ask her yet." AJ moved forward, taking the ring box from Chris' hands, wishing Daniels hadn't taken it from his bag, or that he hid it in a better place. Something. Anything.

"Why would she say no?" Chris asked, trying to sound half as excited as Daniels did, "You two are all over each other. No way she'd say no." He watched without a word as AJ put away the box, zipping his bag quickly as if it would erase what Sabin and Daniels just saw.

"Thanks guys," he said, "Chris- uh, Daniels Chris- m'gonna go out by the car."

"You could just wait for me," Daniels said, "I won't be long."

"Just need to walk. I'll be by the car." AJ kept walking, not waiting for Daniels to respond. They both watched AJ walk away, Daniels shrugging once he was out of eye range.

"He must really think Taylor might say no. I wouldn't have played around if I knew it was that."

"Don't worry about it, Chris. Just don't bring it up. AJ's just being sensitive." Chris grabbed his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. "And you really need to change your name dude, I feel like I'm talking to myself."

"I was Chris before you were even thought of. You change your name." Chris shook his head, walking out of the locker room, chasing after AJ. He wasn't even completely sure why, but he had to talk to him, especially after seeing the diamond AJ had, obviously preparing to make the big step with Taylor. He got into the parking lot quickly, finding AJ throwing his bag into the trunk. Chris grabbed AJ's shoulder, making him jump.

"Holy crap, don't sn..." AJ turned around, facing Chris. For a moment he just stared at him, unsure of what to say, but feeling the need to say something. Finally, he managed to say a few words. "Great match tonight, man. That cradleshock looked pretty brutal."

"Yeah, sure," Chris waved it off. AJ knew that Chris wasn't there to make small talk, and Chris wasn't willing to tip toe around what he was really after. "So. When you gonna ask her?"

"I don't know," he admitted, staring past Chris to a spot beyond him. "I'm sorry."

"No, she's your girlfriend, you have the right. I just didn't think it'd be so... soon." Chris squeezed his fists, trying not to show how upset he was. But AJ undoubtedly caught onto it, the mask Chris prided himself on crafting slipping right in front of him.

"I'm _sorry_, Chris, I..."

"Don't explain. Really. You two are staying together. Looking happier and happier every time I see you. Practically married already." He smiled at AJ as best as he could. He knew AJ didn't believe it, but he had to try. For AJ and for himself. "It was going to happen sometime. Like I said, didn't think it'd be so soon." Chris couldn't make heads or tails of AJ's guilt-ridden expression; he didn't do anything wrong. In fact, he did exactly what he wanted to do. He was well on his way to making that family he mentioned. AJ should've been happy. And in that moment, he wondered if AJ was just like him, pretending to be happy. He didn't think AJ was upset, no. But he wasn't happy.

Neither of them were better off. AJ was on the cusp of what he thought he wanted, and there he was. Apologizing for it. "Is it really impossible?" Chris asked. The question visibly threw AJ, confusion mixing in with the guilt.

"Is what impossible?"

"That you and me can be alright?"

"I am alright, Chris," AJ asserted, but Chris knew he was lying. They both did. AJ put his hand to his head, looking down. "I don't know, okay?" He tried, he really did. AJ threw himself into falling in love with Taylor, doing everything, even buying a ring. But he just couldn't do it. She was great, but he couldn't do it. And he couldn't bring her before God and promise his love when he wasn't in love with her.

And hearing Chris say he had the right to marry her was what finally made him realize it. He couldn't marry her. He couldn't leave her. He couldn't lie anymore. He had to keep up the lie. It seemed either way he went, he would still sin against God.

"I wish you tried lying again."

"Would you have believed me?"

"I would've tried." Chris laughed hollowly. "You know, you made me think it was possible. That maybe I could... 'reform' too. Fix all the shit life's piled on me. But fuck, if it's not working for you..." He didn't need to finish the thought. AJ just felt his heart sinking, watching Chris. He did that. He ruined both their lives just to trespass again. And he was this close to ruining Taylor's life too, making her fall in love with him when his mind was somewhere far from hers. If he had any sense, he would've ended it when it was just fun and games. He wouldn't have led Chris on until he fell in love with him.

He wouldn't have kept it going until he fell in love with Chris.

"I'm sorry," he said again. It was all a mistake. All of it. And now AJ and Chris were too deep in to rectify it.

"Stop apologizing." Chris stepped forward, reaching out his hand and grasping AJ's. His thumb ran over the palm of AJ's hand, just trying to keep him from saying those two words again. Even if Daniels or any other passerby saw them, they wouldn't notice their hands right away. "It is what it is, AJ. We've got no choice but to work with it." He squeezed AJ's hand before letting go, not willing to risk holding it longer. "Really. I wish you two nothing but happiness. She's... going to be a great wife. You're lucky to have her."

There was nothing else he could say. He'd probably just make things worse anyway. He waved at AJ, starting to walk towards his car, telling himself not to turn back. Another look at AJ's lost face, and Chris wouldn't have been able to keep what was left of his countenance up.

He damned everyone. His dad, mom, Taylor, God, AJ, himself, and all the rest in between them. Nothing was alright. And there was no sign of that changing.


	5. Every You Every Me Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own the following wrestlers, or any of the events that actually happened on camera, or anything else mentioned that is recognizable.**

**I respect the actual beliefs and sexualities of the following wrestlers.**

_Maybe I am becoming an alcoholic._

For some reason, the thought of being addicted amused Chris Sabin. He knew it was serious and whatnot, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Once upon a time, he declared himself a drunk, and liked to think he was still nothing but a merry drunk, but he seemed to fall on the bottle more and more lately.

If he kept on like this, it would eventually spill into his work, and he swore to himself he wouldn't let that happen. He refused to plan out a life where he couldn't wrestle at the Impact Zone. It was his passion, and losing it would inevitably lead to becoming an actual alcoholic. The kind of person he and Alex made fun of all the time.

Although, he was pretty damn sure Alex Shelley would be the first to make fun of him if his life spiraled away because of a dependency on the bottle.

But his battle plan was simple. Drink just enough to dull the edge of all the shit he was dealing with, with his parents and with AJ, but not so much that it would jeopardize the things he liked about his lifestyle. And in his mind, Chris Sabin was just stupid enough to pull it off. After all, he'd been able to the past few weeks.

Although the horrific sounds of 50 Cent blaring through the barely adequate sound system might just be enough to drive him to total self-destruction.

He ordered another beer, taking a long drink once he got it. That was his life; balancing out what was good about his sham of a life with the amazing healing power of alcohol. And he sort of kind of liked it, at times, but other times, it truly and sincerely sucked.

"Hey." He looked up as a woman with dark curly hair sat next to him, smiling. She was wearing way too much makeup and smelled like she drenched herself in perfume, but she was pretty damn gorgeous. And he couldn't care less.

"Hey." Chris raised his glass before turning away, taking a drink.

"What's a good looking guy like you doing hanging all alone here?"

"Isn't it usually the man's job to come up the a woman with the lame icebreaker?" Chris asked. The girl laughed before turning to the bartender, asking for a margarita. He gave himself a point; he figured her the type, down to the strawberry flavor.

"You're funny. I like that." The margarita came a few moments later, and after taking a few sips, she started talking again. "And besides, I'm a go-getter. I see what I want and I... go get it." She grinned at him, and all Chris could think was 'when was she planning to leave?'

"I'm here for alcohol therapy, Miss. Conversation's not on the menu today."

"Well, what happened?" She asked, "I hear talking things out can be good for a person, and I've been told that I'm a fantastic listener. Want to talk things out with me?"

"Actually, no. Not really." Chris finished off his beer, slamming down the bottle before wiping his mouth. "Like I said, here to drink. Not to talk."

"I just want to help," she said, looking offended by his answer. That was his attention, but apparently, it wasn't enough to send her packing.

"Well, you can't, Miss, so…" He began waving his hand in a 'shoo' gesture, and her confused frown became an angry scowl.

"Fuck you, faggot!" She stood up, grabbing her margarita off the bar before stomping away. He heard the bartender yell for her to come back, to pay for the alcohol, and he just shook his head, smiling.

_What do you know, even sluts can tell. _He put his card on the table, telling the bartender to charge it. He wasn't going home too drunk to function, but just drunk enough to fall asleep without much thought. Because thinking hurt way too much.

The faster he was in his bed, the sooner he could escape his thoughts without the aid of alcohol. But until he finally made it to slumber land, he was stuck with the one question: how long until AJ Styles put that diamond ring on Taylor Wilde's finger?

* * *

Chris Sabin wasn't the only person wondering that. AJ was too. But unlike Sabin, who thought it was only a matter of time, AJ was getting more and more certain that there was no way he could live with himself if he did propose to her. He could lie to his parents, his friends, his coworkers, and everyone else in the world, but he couldn't lie to God. And if he held Taylor's hand on the altar, promising to love and cherish her for life, he'd be lying to God.

He didn't love her, so he couldn't marry her. But if he didn't marry her, if he didn't stay with her, it would be harder to admit that he was pretty much unhappy with the box he shoved himself into. Besides that, she was Taylor freakin' Wilde. If God had ever made a perfect wife for him, it was Taylor Wilde. And if he couldn't work it out with Taylor, it was pretty obvious to him that he couldn't work it out with anyone.

He thought obedience to the scripture was supposed to work. But he wasn't healing. And the more time went on, the more he doubted he could ever be cured.

When he was younger, he would kneel in front of his bed before going to sleep, praying with his head bowed and his hands clasped. As he grew older, he began to have more and more actual prayers in bed, staring up at the ceiling in hopes that he wasn't committing sacrilege by not getting on his knees.

Taylor lay in his arms, completely oblivious to the thoughts going through her boyfriend's mind. She was incredible. AJ did love her, for everything she was, but it wasn't the kind of love that meant they should start a family. She deserved someone better. Someone who did love her enough. Someone who wasn't in the screwed up predicament AJ was in.

He watched her quietly, trying not to wake her up. She had no idea what she got into when she asked him out months ago. She had no clue. He couldn't help but feel terrible about everything he'd done. He'd been so focused on his own issues and his own errors that he didn't stop to think about her. He was going to hurt her, undoubtedly, whether he stood with her or not. Because he didn't love her.

He sighed quietly. "What the _heck _should I do?" he asked, mostly to God, but to anything that could give him the right answer. What did He expect from him? What was he supposed to do?

He laid there, awake, waiting for an answer, some sign from above.

Nothing came.

* * *

AJ placed his hand on the back of his head; Lethal's enzuigiri still rang through him, and he had no doubt it would still even the next morning. It was too true; even when you win, you lose. But he was used to pain, and he had no issue dealing with it.

"You okay, buddy?" He turned around, smiling at Lethal. He looked worried; AJ knew that most people in their first few weeks in a new company were anal about their performances, afraid that any misstep could get them released prematurely.

"Definitely. Can't keep a warrior down." AJ's smile made Lethal smile back, calm down some. He half expected Lethal to bug him until AJ had to practically shout that he was all right, but Jay seemed to accept it.

"Warrior my ass." He slapped AJ on the back. "Hey, thanks man."

"For what?"

"Oh, so that's how it's gonna be?" They both laughed and Lethal waved, walking away, leaving AJ to himself. He hadn't meant to take so long changing, but his head was still pounding, and he frequently stopped to take a breather. If his head still killed him the next day, he'd consider checking in with a trainer.

Soon, he heard a knock on the door. He stared at it, confused, but then another knock came. No one knocked on the locker room door. He pulled his jacket on before walking to it, opening the door, but then it was nearly yanked out of his hand.

"What the heck?"

"Sorry AJ, I… what if guys are changing in there?"

"Taylor? What're you doing here?" He sighed. "Turn around, I'm opening the door." He waited a few seconds before opening it, seeing the head of blonde hair before him. Once the door closed, she turned around, studying him with worry.

"Are you fine?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, I passed Jay, and he said you were kind of out of it… are you hurt? Do you need to see a trainer?" AJ shook his head, and immediately wished he didn't. He hissed, and Taylor's face immediately contorted in concern. "You are not okay, now come on, you should see someone…"

"Taylor, please. I'm fine."

"No you're not…"

"Honestly Taylor, you worry too much. I'm fine. Now, let's go." He began to walk, but Taylor put a hand on his stomach, stopping him.

"Even if you are fine-" Her voice obviously showed she didn't believe him, "You're in no condition to drive. Give me the keys."

"Taylor, I'm fine."

"Give me the keys."

"I said I'm fine, Taylor. "

"But I just don't understand why you can't just give me the keys!" Taylor shouted, "Gosh, I'm sorry I gave a damn."

AJ stopped, sighing. "I just… it's a little sore, but nothing some sleep can't cure. I've been wrestling for a while now. I know my limits, and if I was truly hurt, I would get checked out." Taylor smiled, finally convinced. She patted his arm before giving it an affectionate squeeze.

"You better be good, you bum." They began walking together, and the more they moved, the more guilty AJ felt. But he was okay; there was a little pain, but he was okay. Maybe he should've just given Taylor the keys. He didn't have to push her. Especially since he was still wondering about their future.

When they got to the car, AJ pulled the keys out of his pocket, tossing them to Taylor. She caught them, pleasantly surprised that she was holding them. "What's this?"

"Take them. Maybe it'll be good for me to lay back."

She nodded. "Glad you could see things my way." She moved closer, pressing her lips to AJ's. "Get your cute butt into that car, let's go." They got into the car, and AJ laid against the door, watching as Taylor pulled out of the lot. He took a deep breath, trying to relax, thinking about everything.

She was so caring, so perfect.

He couldn't love her.

He couldn't even give her keys without being guilted into it.

"Taylor," he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I've got to talk to you." She didn't turn much, trying to keep her eyes on the road, but instant worry crossed her face.

"What's up?"

He took a deep breath. "I screwed up, Taylor. Badly."

"Baby, if we have to go back to have someone look at your head, just say something…"

"No. It's not my head." He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. "It's you and me."

And as soon as he said it, he wished he waited until they were off the road to bring it up. Taylor attempted to keep her eyes on the road, but AJ could tell she didn't want to pay attention to anything other than him. "What do you mean? Is this about the keys? I'm not mad at you AJ. I'm driving now, it's not an issue."

"It's not the keys, Taylor. It's you and me, us."

"Okay, I'm confused now. I don't get it, what're you trying to say…"

"I can't do this, okay?" Each added word felt like another mistake, but he couldn't stop. He had to tell her, and his impulses were demanding he tell her now. "I just can't do this."

"What, you can't do… us? You gotta be clearer, AJ, because right now it kind of sounds like you want to break up."

AJ's eyes were on her; there was no trace of humor in them. "I'm sorry, Taylor."

"This isn't funny, AJ, and come on, I'm driving here…"

"I'm not joking. Taylor, I can't do this, not anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't."

"What, is this some kind of payback for the damn keys? Really AJ, this is just a _little_ immature..."

"Will you listen? It's not about the darn keys; I don't care about them."

"So then where is this coming from? Huh? You haven't mentioned anything like this in the past few weeks…"

"I know I haven't, and I'm sorry…"

"Stop saying you're sorry and just come out and say what you really mean!" Taylor screamed. It was the first time AJ had heard her so angry. She was usually so calm, so relaxed. "Fuck AJ, just say it!"

"I really wanted to love you, I did…" Her hands tightened on the steering wheel, her body almost recoiling at the word 'wanted'. "I had a lot of issues when I decided to go out with you, and I thought this could solve them…"

"You don't love me."

"I'm sorry."

"Just shut up!" A horn honked behind them, and Taylor screamed out her window at the other driver before turning her eyes back on the road. "Don't say any fucking more. I can't believe this. I must be pretty stupid, huh? To think you actually cared?"

"Taylor, it's not like that, I do…"

"Don't. Bother." Taylor shook her head. "I don't care anymore." It was a lie, but it was one she believed at the moment. But AJ knew she still did, and that she was upset. He wanted to explain that he did care, and that he never meant to hurt her, but he couldn't find a way to put it to words.

He could never put into words exactly what he wanted to say to her in a way that would make her believe him; that she was amazing, and that it wasn't her fault, and that he did love her, even if it wasn't in the way he claimed to before. But he knew it was impossible, so he kept his mouth shut until they were able to get off the road- and to somewhere they could go their separate ways.

* * *

Christopher Daniels sat up, the soft pitter-patter on his door pulling his attention away from his sit-ups. He stood up, grabbing his towel to mop up the sweat on his forehead, before walking to the door. He looked through the peephole, scrunching his face in confusion.

He opened the door, studying his best friend. AJ had one hand on his head and the other held his gym bag. He looked at him, visibly upset, and Daniels automatically knew something was wrong.

"What happened?" He asked.

"Don't wanna talk about it," AJ said softly, "Man, please, don't ask any questions right now, I'll tell you everything later… just let me stay here tonight. Please."

Daniels didn't push; he just gave AJ exactly what he asked for, moving out of the way and letting him inside. AJ took off his coat and sneakers and dropped his bag on the floor. He looked like shit. The first thing that came to his mind was Taylor Wilde- were they fighting? Just a few weeks ago, he saw that AJ bought a ring. There was no way they could be fighting already. But then why else would AJ be here, instead of his own room with a woman he was prepared to make his fiancée?

_I just hope he's okay._

_

* * *

_

AJ woke up the next morning, the picture of Taylor's screaming face imprinted into his mind. He ran his hands over his face, taking a deep breath. It had to happen, but he hated thinking about how he hurt her. He'd left her with the rental and the room, although he wished he thought to go to the room to get his luggage at least. He'd slept in the shirt he wore yesterday and his underwear. Not like he had much choice.

"Hey, you're awake!" AJ sat up, looking over at Daniels. He smiled, walking over to his friend, sitting next to him. "You sleep well?"

"Yeah." Quick, one worded answer. It must've been a terrible night for him.

"Well, sounds like bullshit." AJ didn't respond, making Daniels sigh. They weren't going to get anywhere soon. "Hey, Allen, you want me to order some breakfast? Anything you want, all on me. Come on, I know you're hungry. Free food, all for you…"

AJ laughed, unable to keep the smile from his face. "I can do with some food."

"Atta boy." Daniels patted his leg, leaning over to the bedside stand and grabbing the menu. He tossed it to AJ. "Go ahead, pick whatever you want, I meant it. All for you."

"Sweet." AJ began looking through the menu, and, even though he looked better than he had moments ago, Daniels knew he was still not anywhere near fine. "You know, you don't have to tell me anything… not until you're ready. We can have fun today, okay?"

"That sounds great." AJ nodded for a moment before looking away. He began to stare at the menu, but he wasn't actually reading anything. He was remembering Taylor, the way her face looked as she fought hard against the tears threatening to form, the words that came out of her mouth when AJ couldn't give her a good explanation for why their seemingly happy relationship was suddenly coming to an end. He remembered how he hurt her.

And then he remembered that he had none of his stuff. Only his wrestling equipment and what he wore to the last event.

"My luggage," he said, "I… need to get my bags. They're in Taylor's room." Taylor's room. Not their room. Hers.

"I can ask someone to pick them up for you," Daniels offered, "Yeah, you focus on picking some chow, and I'll call in a favor. Who's staying at your hotel?"

"Um… Reso's there. Jarrett too, I think. Shelley and Gail." He purposely left out Sabin's name, but there was a part of him he wouldn't admit to later that threw out Alex's name because he knew Daniels would choose to call him. And there was no way Alex Shelley would keep such a thing a secret from Chris Sabin.

"Alright then, I'll call up Alex. What room?"

"324."

Daniels nodded, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. AJ kept his attention on the menu, not paying attention to the call, wondering how Daniels would explain this to Alex. He couldn't help but imagine how things would go once Alex knocked on the door, asking for his bags. He wondered if Taylor was even alright- he knew she wouldn't be great, but he could only hope she was at least okay.

After a few rings, Alex finally picked up, sounding bored. "Tell me you have tickets to something awesome and want to take me."

"Why would I take you?"

"Because I rule, why wouldn't you take me?"

"Whatever, whatever. I don't have tickets to anything. I need to ask you a favor."

"Christopher Daniels, you want to ask _me _for a favor and you don't have anything for me? Tsk tsk."

"Let's be serious here."

"Okay, super serial moment." There was a moment of complete silence, and Daniels wished that Alex was right next to him so he could smack the stupid out of him. "What's up?"

"I need you to go to AJ and Taylor's room and pick up AJ's bags. As soon as you possibly can."

"You need me to go to AJ and Taylor Wilde's room to pick up AJ's bags?" Daniels moved the phone away from his ears; he said it pretty damn loud.

"Yes," he snapped, "Will you just do it?"

"Yes, yes I will. God, no need to get touchy." Daniels gave him AJ's room number and the directions to where they were staying. As soon as he hung up, Daniels looked over at AJ, who was still staring at the menu.

"You know what you want?" He asked softly.

AJ looked up, almost unsure whom Daniels was talking to, but after a moment, he nodded. "Nah, I have no idea. Didn't really think about it." He looked back down at the menu, but then he let his gaze meet his best friend's. "Chris, forget the food for a moment, I… I gotta talk to someone."

"I'm listening," Daniels said simply, not adding anything. He didn't want to push AJ, not when he was like this.

"I think you may have guessed." AJ put his hand on his head, moving his fingers against his scalp. He hadn't admitted it to anyone; he hardly even admitted it to himself anymore, and here he was about to spill his guts to Christopher Daniels. "Taylor and me broke up."

Daniels nodded, letting AJ talk at his own pace. He let the unspoken why sink in; AJ knew that Daniels knew how serious they'd gotten, he'd seen the ring, and from his standpoint, he should've been looking at a soon to be married man.

"I should have never been with her," AJ muttered, "Chris, I don't even know how I got here sometimes. I just… I screwed everything up. But I swear, I never meant… I tried to do right. I really tried."

"Just relax for a moment, will you?" Daniels reached out, putting his arm around AJ. Holding him. "Listen. So the relationship didn't work. That happens all the time, even to the best of relationships. Doesn't mean you messed up."

"No, I… you don't understand. Can I… tell you something?"

"Of course."

"You can't tell anyone, though. No one."

"Do I _look _like the kind of person who would spill your secrets to every Tom, Dick, and Harry? Come on AJ, you know me better than that." He waited, watching AJ wrestle with whatever was on his mind. "Look, you don't have to tell me anything, we can really just go eat…"

"I had feelings for someone else," he interrupted, the word 'had' immediately replacing itself with 'have' in his head as soon as he said that. And with that, he stopped struggling with the words and they just began spilling out, something like vomit.

And he couldn't stop until it was all out.

* * *

Chris pushed Alex as soon as he hung up the phone, making the other man jump back. He stood next to Alex as soon as he repeated what Daniels said (obviously for his benefit), ear as close to the phone as possible, trying to get some kind of clue as to what was happening. "What the heck is wrong with you?"

"Who was that? Why do they want you to pick up AJ's bags? What's going on…?"

"Chill out, will ya? Chris asked me to grab the boy's bags and bring them to his hotel. I don't know why, or what's going on. He didn't say."

"Why didn't you ask?"

"Shit, because I doubt even Danny knows." Alex put his hand down, motioning for him to cool it. He walked to his bag, pulling out a pair of jeans and just pulling them on, not even bothering to take a shower. He was curious, and he was concerned; it was enough to throw out the basic rules of cleanliness. "I'll figure it out when I get there…" He turned around, blinking at the sight of Chris pulling up his own jeans. "Whoa, you're not coming."

"Yes I am."

"No, you're not."

"I'd like to see you try to stop me." They stared at each other for a moment, practically daring the other to test them. Finally, Alex sighed.

"Whatever. You're a grown ass man, you can make your own mistakes." He shrugged, pulling on his sneakers. "Let's do this." Chris didn't see how it was a mistake, but he didn't argue. He just followed him out as fast as Alex allowed, still wondering what the heck could've happened in the past few weeks since he'd seen the engagement ring that would've lead to all of this.

As soon as they got there, Alex knocked on the door, almost rhythmically. The knock got a more and more concrete beat when the door was practically ripped open. Taylor was much shorter than them, but at that moment, she seemed a lot larger than she actually was. "What're you doing here?" She snapped.

"I… uh…" Alex looked at Chris, wondering if the usual sugary-sweet Taylor had some bitchy twin sister. He turned back to her, smiling awkwardly. "Well see, we're here to pick up AJ's bags. You mind, we'll just go right in…" He moved towards the space between her body and the doorframe, but she moved to the left, blocking it with her body.

"He's not even man enough to pick them up himself?" She laughed hollowly, before turning around and heading into the room. The door closed in Alex's face, making him blink.

"I think it's safe to say that there was a break up," Alex whispered.

"You think?"

The door suddenly opened again, and it took all of Alex's hand-eye coordination to catch AJ's first bag and keep it from slamming too far into his stomach. He let out a breath, and Chris reached out slowly, grabbing the other bag from Taylor's hands before she could throw it. She glared at him, making him step back under her gaze.

"I'm sorry, Taylor," Chris said. He'd imagined this happening many times, but he never thought about how Taylor would look post breakup. It was terrible, seeing the genuine pain on her face.

"I'm sure." Taylor nodded; there were plenty of things on the tip of her tongue, but she didn't say them. She refused to blow up in front of people; it hurt, yes, but she was going to maintain as much dignity as humanly possible. "See you guys around." She closed the door, a little louder than she wanted to, making them jump.

"Let's go." Alex walked away, muttering about how he wasn't the one who broke up with her, Chris falling in line with him soon enough. He thought about telling Chris to stay again, but he knew he wouldn't go for it. He was determined to go with him, no matter how this would play out for him or AJ. Sometimes, it really seemed like he did these things to himself.


	6. Every You Every Me Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own the following wrestlers, or any of the events that actually happened on camera, or anything else mentioned that is recognizable.**

**I respect the actual beliefs and sexualities of the following wrestlers.**

Neither AJ nor Daniels said much after AJ was done. Daniels digested the information, from the affair with Sabin to his attempts at 'rehabilitation', to his current feelings, pretty much telling Daniels that he thought he was heading to hell no matter what he did at this point. He had his own beliefs on Christianity and homosexuality, but he didn't want to mess with AJ's mind even more than AJ was messing with it himself.

But AJ didn't want a reply. He wasn't looking for a certain reaction, an explanation, nothing. He couldn't believe Daniels didn't visibly judge or react to anything he said, but he was grateful for it, so he wasn't about to question it. He just wanted to vent, and now that it was all out, he wanted nothing but for him and Daniels to follow the original plan. Food. Distraction. Something other than him and Taylor Wilde and Chris Sabin. He knew he'd have to talk to Daniels about everything he said eventually, but since Daniels was willing to leave it unaddressed, AJ would take advantage and leave that for another day.

AJ looked up, staring at the ceiling. Looking towards God again. Still begging for some kind of sign. "Is there anything you wanna eat?" Daniels looked over at AJ, unsure of how he expected AJ to finally break the silence, but it definitely wasn't that. "I have no idea what I want, but m'hungry."

"I could go for a burger."

"That sounds great. I can go for one too" AJ nodded. "And… thanks. For listening." _Just listening_, he added quietly, trying not to rock the boat. But Daniels seemed to get the message.

"No problem. We'll talk some more later?"

How did he get so lucky, AJ wondered. Even with a significant part of his life crumbling before him, he still had friends like Christopher Daniels. He repeated his thanks under his breath and then, without thinking, he reached out and wrapped his arms around Daniels. Daniels threw his arm around AJ's shoulders, giving AJ the silent support he needed.

They stood that way until they heard who was undoubtedly Alex Shelley pound on the door. Daniels patted his shoulder before pulling away, walking to the door. AJ moved his back against the headboard, eyes turning upward again.

Daniels opened the door, blinking in surprise as he saw Sabin standing alongside Shelley. "Hey guys. Thanks, I…"

"Is he okay?" Chris asked, obviously trying to look beyond Daniels' body over to AJ.

"Yes, he's holding up alright." He cleared his throat before whispering, "Hey, look, I really appreciate you bringing these over, but I think we both know that you're the last person he wants to see right now."

"That's what I tried to tell him," Alex muttered, making Chris slam his elbow into his side. Daniels looked from Alex to Chris, trying to discern what was happening before him, before he started talking again.

"Look, last thing we need is to make this more complicated, so why don't you hand those here and AJ and I will catch up with you later?" Daniels grabbed the bag from Sabin's hands; he knew that Daniels had a point, but he wanted to talk to AJ himself, make sure he was truly fine, and maybe find out what was going through his mind.

"Look, I really get what you're saying," Chris said, "But I'm not here to make things complicated. I just want to make sure he's okay."

"It doesn't matter what you want. Given your circumstances, there's no way it won't-" As Daniels continued talking, it finally hit Sabin. Daniels knew. He knew about him and AJ, which meant AJ _talked _about them.

"Chris," he said quietly, "You don't have to wiggle and worm around it. Alex knows too."

"…He does?" Daniels looked over at Alex, who nodded.

"I'm his Chris Daniels," he said, "Except, you know, I have hair."

"So know that it's out in the open… I've got to see him, Chris. I'm not out to cause problems; I'm not here to plead my case or anything… I just want to see if he's alright. Let me see him." Daniels looked over at Shelley, who just stared blankly, and back to Sabin.

"Give me a minute." He took AJ's other bag from Alex's hand, bringing them inside. Daniels' body still managed to obscure Chris' ability to look at AJ, no matter what angle he tried to see him from. He was sure Daniels was asking for AJ's permission to let them in, and Chris was almost sure they'd be turned away. But much to his surprise, when Daniels came back to the door, he said, "Come inside, guys."

Alex walked inside, hopping up on and sitting down on the dresser, while Chris walked directly over to AJ. He looked up as Chris got closer, and Chris could see that he looked the worst he's ever seen him. Worse than the time he told Chris to go to hell, worse than when Chris saw the ring just a few weeks ago, and it just made him worry more. He sat in front of AJ, facing him, crossing his legs on the bed. AJ waved over at Alex, who nodded over at him, before turning his attention to Chris.

"Hope you don't mind the sneakers on the bed," Chris said.

AJ shook his head. "Nah, it's cool." It was weird, being near Sabin so soon, but he couldn't bring himself to turn him away. Not after the small bit he heard from his spot.

"Great. So… what happened? I thought… the ring…"

"I couldn't go through with it." AJ left it at that, and Chris didn't ask for any more. He put his hands on his ankles, letting him lean forward a bit.

"So how're you holding up?"

AJ shrugged. "No idea. M'alive, I guess."

"You are. I guess that means something, right?"

"Right."

Alex shook his head; he had no idea what he was seeing, but it was painful. He wanted to just shout 'Shut up' and stop the debacle from unfolding in front of him, but he at least had enough respect for his friends to watch them stumble through… whatever they wanted to call that. He glanced over at Daniels, trying to see if he was thinking the same thing, and the look on his face pretty much affirmed it.

"You should get out of the room, eventually," Chris said, "Trust me, there's absolutely nothing worse than holing yourself up when you got this kinda shit on your mind. Go to the gym or something; you gotta keep busy."

"Might go to the gym later, but I don't have much plans for today," AJ replied.

"Make them." Chris moved one hand from his ankle, patting it against AJ's knee. "Distractions really do work. And eventually, the crap'll stink less, and it'll be easier to handle."

AJ let out a small snicker; it was a moment of happiness that made Chris smile. "Who handles crap?"

"You know what I mean." Chris stood up. "Well, I'm out. If you need me, you know where to find me."

"Yeah. Thanks for bringing my bags."

"Hey." Chris whirled around, and he and AJ both looked over at Alex. "I brought them too, asshole."

"Thank you too, Alex."

"That's better." Alex stood up, walking over to Chris and throwing his arm around him. "Keep walking tall, Styles." He turned to Daniels, hitting his fist twice against his chest. "Danny boy, I'm taking my monkey over here and going. Give me a call sometime; and try not to make it another favor."

"Come on, I'll walk you two out." Daniels followed them out, telling AJ he'd only be a minute or so. Once the door was closed, he looked at Alex. "Walk ahead. I need to talk with Sabin."

"Anything you have to say to Chris-" Chris put his hand on Alex's shoulder, cutting him off.

"Walk ahead."

"Fine. Assholes always leaving me out the loop." Alex started walking down the hall, and Daniels waited until he was closer to the elevator to turn to Sabin.

"Look, AJ's told me some stuff. About you two."

"Figured."

"Yeah, well, I'm trying to figure out how this works in your mind. From what he said, you two went into this as a fooling around sort of thing."

"That we did."

"And, feelings changed along the way. Fine. Whatever. But it doesn't change the fact that it was supposed do be a fooling around sort of thing." Daniels shook his head. "What're you hoping to accomplish, Chris? What, now that he's no longer hiding behind Taylor, you think something might happen?"

"I never said that. I just want him to be happy, Chris."

"With you?"

"If that's what'll make him happy." But Chris knew Daniels was somewhat right; he did wish that they could be happy together. But he wasn't so selfish as to push anything when he was so obviously hurting. He'd prefer if AJ were happy, with or without him.

"AJ's in a bad place. He's got a firm set of beliefs, and this whole thing with you and Taylor is attacking them. Shaking him. Now, he's half convinced he's hell bound and he's probably going to drive himself into the ground trying to repent."

"He's not going to hell."

"Try telling AJ that." Chris looked down; he had no answer to that. "It's going to be a long time before he gets that head of his screwed on right. And it'd be better for him- and you, in the long run- if you kept your distance while he's trying to sort shit out."

"Maybe you're right," he muttered, after a long pause. He couldn't argue with that. AJ often said that God came before everything, and Chris had seen how true that was many times over the past few months.

"I'm sorry things have been shit for you, but you have to face the fact that AJ's not too well in his mind. And that's not going to change anytime soon."

"Yeah." Chris nodded. "But hey, that's my burden to bear, I guess. I'm the one who thought a fling was something more."

Daniels genuinely felt sorry for Chris, but there was nothing he could do. They said their goodbyes, and Chris went to meet Alex by the elevator. As soon as Alex saw him, he knew he should've tried harder to convince him not to come. "What did he say?"

"Nothing," Chris said dismissively, "Let's just… get out of here."

* * *

The day went exactly as AJ hoped it would. If he didn't know any better, he would think nothing had changed; Christopher Daniels was still good ol' Christopher Daniels, and AJ could almost fool himself into believing he was still the same old Allen Jones. But as he sat in his bed, eating a slice of pizza and staring at a television screen, he knew it was just a temporary fix. He was going to spend most of the night thinking this over, and would spend every night for a long time doing so.

"Hey." AJ looked up from his slice over to Daniels. "You know, I've been thinking about the things you told me earlier."

"If you want me to leave, I understand."

"…Why would I want you to leave?"

AJ stared at him, confused. "Cause of what I said?"

Daniels blinked, before shaking his head. "If you didn't get the picture by the fact I spent the last hours with you, let me make it clear right now. I don't care whom you share a bed with. I never cared. I only cared if you were happy, because you've been a pretty damn good friend these past years."

"Oh."

"Yeah, you idiot. Welcome to 2006, we've been desensitized by pop culture, no one cares anymore," Daniels said.

"I care."

"Yeah well, you're a no one." He sighed; he wasn't sure anything he could say could get through to AJ, but he'd try anyway. "Look, I know that there's still people who see it as wrong, but come on. Who needs to know? I don't even need to know who you sleep with."

"God would know," AJ said, "And what am I supposed to do? Make my mother think her son will never have a family? Am I supposed to never have one, Chris? Am I supposed to live in a way I've been taught was wrong?"

"You already have, AJ," he reminded him.

"I know! I know. God, I… know. And I did what I was supposed to do." Daniels stood up, leaving his half eaten pizza on the bed, sitting next to AJ. Every time AJ seemed on the edge, he barely backed away from it, and Daniels wasn't sure how long that would keep true for him.

"Do you know how awful that sounds, Al?" He asked, sounding sympathetic, "You were supposed to stop doing something that makes you _happy?_"

"Ephemeral gratification and excitement," he said, echoing the words of the pastor and almost every reformed homosexual he'd ever read. Almost word for word, each time, they insisted it was only momentary pleasure, but AJ could remember being so much happier when he was laying alongside Chris, or when they were drinking and joking around, or when they were arguing over who was watching whose screen during a game of Halo. It definitely wasn't 'ephemeral'.

"And what did you do? You started a relationship with someone whom you could never love, led her on until she fell in love with you, and broke her heart." AJ knew what he'd done, but hearing it aloud, from Daniels' mouth, made him feel even more ashamed than he already was. "And look at you now. You have a ring you'll never use and you destroyed two people's lives because you think you've disappointed God."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" He asked, repeating himself, "Huh? Am I supposed to live a lie, am I supposed to live in sin, or what? Since you obviously have a better handle on life than I do, what am I supposed to do?" Daniels put his hands up, almost in a 'stop' gesture. Any semblance of control was slipping away, and all Daniels could see was the pure emotion on AJ's face. It was enough to make him hesitate; he wanted to stop the conversation entirely and just comfort his friend, but he knew they couldn't keep putting this off. It would build up until it spilled out, and AJ wouldn't be able to control it when he finally had a complete breakdown.

"Breathe, Al." He rested his hand on AJ's shoulder, squeezing it. After a moment, AJ took a deep breath, his stomach trembling as he exhaled. He took another breath, and another, each one helping to calm him down. Once Daniels was sure he was no longer toeing at the edge, he said, "How about this. Since you're pretty much saying you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, how about you do what makes you happy in this life?" There was a silence as AJ undoubtedly entertained the idea, but it was short lived. Soon, there was a small whisper, barely there.

"It's not that simple."

"It's not that simple? Or you don't think it can be that simple?" Daniels moved his arm around AJ to his other shoulder, just trying to show he was there for him. "Listen buddy, I can't tell you what's right for you. No one can but you. But you've got to figure that out, AJ, or it's going to haunt you the rest of your life."

"Sure." He looked at Daniels, giving him an empty smile. AJ wasn't sure what to believe, and it showed. Daniels patted his shoulder; there was only so much he could do or say. It was all up to AJ to make his own happiness. But he'd be there for him as much as possible

* * *

"Is it wrong that I really dig the fact that Taylor's as fucked as I am?" Alex looked over at Sabin, watching him pull on his boots. He was tagging with their good pal Sonjay tonight, which he was grateful for; a night without a match was always a longer night.

"No." He shook his head. Well, maybe it was a little messed up, but it wasn't like Chris needed to know that.

"Cool. So, um… have you spoken to Chris or AJ since… you know?"

"No, I haven't. But nothing's changed, you know. It hasn't been a long time since the last time we saw them."

"Right. You're right." Chris nodded, sounding like he was trying to convince himself to drop it. "So, good luck tonight. Don't kill yourself."

"What? I'm a model of technical perfection. Don't kill _yourself_." Alex stopped at the door before he left, turning around. "Dude, really, don't kill yourself. You look like shit half the time, and the other half, you just look stupid. So… take care of yourself, dude."

"What the fuck… Alex, I'm not gonna kill myself."

"Well, um… just making sure." Alex shot him a thumbs up and a fake, cheesy grin before running out, leaving him to shake his head.

_Kill myself? Really, Alex? _He shook his head: if he killed himself, who would be around to bug holy shit out of Alex?

It wasn't until after his match, after he got showered and changed, that he noticed he got a call. He ignored Sonjay's talk about the match as he stared at his parents' number. No voice message, just a notification for a missed call. "Hey, Dutterson! I'll catch you later, kay?"

"Alright, later!" Chris grabbed his coat and his bag, making his way out of the locker room and the building. As soon as he was out and by his car, he pressed the dial button, letting it ring in his hand for a moment before pulling it up to his ear. He had no idea what to say, but he was interested to hear what whoever called him had to say.

It was times like this he really wished his mother had a cell phone. Lessen the risk of finding out exactly what his father thought.

"Chris, baby," his mom whispered, sounding happier than he'd heard her in a while, "Baby, so glad you called back."

"What's going on, ma?"

"How are you?"

"Cool, ma, I'm cool… what's going on?" He couldn't stop asking. He hoped she saw through what he was really asking: had he waited long enough?

"Chris, I… I want to see you. I don't like this. You're my baby; I shouldn't have to explain to my mother why you aren't with us for the holidays." She was quiet for a moment, but then she said, "Let's try this, please? I'm going to cook dinner someday and you're going to come over and we're all going to talk, and we're going to fix this."

"Have you talked to dad about this?"

"Not yet, but damn it, I can't do this. Enough time has passed. Just one dinner. Please. Just… one dinner. I can make your favorites; we can enjoy ourselves as a family again. Just give me a chance."

Chris swallowed, his hand growing tighter over the phone. She didn't talk to his dad; for all he knew, his father loathed him now. Or maybe he'd be willing to hear Chris out, give this new side of him a chance. There was a chance that something in his life would be straightened out; but at the same time, there was a chance that the meeting would be his goodbye to his father.

He was afraid. But the hope in his mother's plea moved him, made him want to try.

"When do you want to do this?"

"You'll come?"

"Yeah mom, I'll come. Wouldn't miss it for the world." He smiled at the phone; sounding a lot more sure of himself and her plan than he actually was. There was a chance, a sliver of hope, and Chris told himself to hang onto it. It was too hard to come by to let it just pass.

"Thank you. And I'll tell you when we can do this, but you have to get me your schedule so I know when you're off. I hope this can happen soon."

"Me too, ma. And no problem, I'll figure out when I've got some time off and I'll call you."

"Good! Great. Great." There was silence for a moment, but Chris had a mental image of his mom smiling at her phone. In his mind, her smile was a lot more sincere than his was; truly happy, one hundred percent sure that they could truly get back to what they were before he outed himself. "You know… I can't even recognize you anymore."

"I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one."

"It's a wonderful thing, baby." He could hear her sincerity. "When did my baby grow up?"

"I think maybe six years ago? When I became eighteen, of course."

There was a small chuckle, and Chris knew that, in the worse case scenario of the planned dinner, he would still have his mother at his side. And it was somewhat comforting. "I love you, Chris."

"I love you too, ma." They'd said their goodbyes, and he leaned against his car, a small smile on his face. He'd feared his father's real reaction so much that he'd convinced himself that it was a certainty, that he'd lost his family. But now that his mother offered some hope, the possibility that everything would be alright. And even though he knew there was a chance things could go sour, he couldn't stop smiling.

For the first time in weeks, he didn't feel the need to have a single drop of alcohol that night. He wanted to savor this feeling; he wanted to believe beyond rational belief that everything would be fine.

* * *

AJ had no idea how he was doing anything anymore. When he wasn't wrestling, he was working out. When he was doing neither, he was thinking. And sometimes his thoughts seemed to stretch him in different directions, threatening to snap his very being into pieces.

He was AJ Styles, the man putting on the best matches in his career. He was Allen Jones, Christian, family man, good friend and all around likable guy. He was the person who broke Taylor Wilde's heart. He was the man who'd fooled around with Chris Sabin and absolutely enjoyed it. He was a hypocrite. He was all of them and none of them and they all wanted more.

Every day, he heard every lesson his parents gave him. He heard the sermons of his pastor and the advice of the one he'd spilled his soul to. He heard Taylor's pained screams. He heard Chris Sabin's own words, of comfort, of anger, but almost all of love. He heard Harris, telling him that the one you loved the most was the one who could drive you crazy.

And he'd heard Christopher Daniels most clearly.

"_How about this. Since you're pretty much saying you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, how about you do what makes you happy in this life?"_

He pawned the ring a week after the breakup; it was a symbol of the kind of fraud he was. He'd felt better once it was off his hands; it was another step in setting things right.

No more lies.

Maybe a few omitted truths, but no more lies.

He'd seen Taylor around- he never went up to her, but sometimes passed her around the Impact Zone. Sometimes, when they met each other's gaze, he could tell she was still hurting, but she was able to laugh and enjoy herself. He hoped it was a sign she'd soon be able to try again, find someone who was good for her.

One day, he'd find a way to properly apologize to her.

And maybe, he could someday properly apologize to him.

AJ had seen Sabin around enough, even more so than Taylor. They hardly talked, and when they did, it was with Daniels, or with Alex, or with Petey, or with Joe, or with any number of other people. He had no idea whether or not he was doing well or not; sometimes, AJ was sure that Chris Sabin had a greater handle on life than he did, but other times, he seemed worse off. He had no idea how he was doing at all.

AJ could remember sitting with Chris in Daniels' room. He'd asked him if he was all right, he'd given him advice. Despite everything they've been through, Chris still insisted on checking on him, supporting him. Maybe he had it all wrong; was he truly supposed to sacrifice honesty and kindness for obedience and redemption?

AJ was tired of waiting for answers that would never come. He was tired of hurting good people as he tried to be the person he thought he had to be. But it was all he knew, all he believed in. And if that was wrong, then possibly everything he believed, everything he built his life on was wrong too.

And AJ wasn't ready to entertain that idea.

"What're you doing tonight?" They were AJ's four favorite words to hear. That meant there were plans, and the good things in life always involved other people. He looked up at Joe, shrugging.

"Nothin' important. Why?"

"Bunch of us are thinking about drinking tonight. Chris and Sonjay and a bunch of other guys. And we've decided it would be fun to see how many drinks it takes to knock you out," Joe pushed his shoulder, smiling. "Come on, no work tomorrow. Time to get wasted."

"I don't get wasted."

"We'll see about that. So, you coming or what?"

"Yeah, m'coming. Someone needs to make sure you idiots don't die."

"Please, you're gonna be the first victim. Don't worry, we'll say a nice little prayer over your body when we find you in your own vomit." Joe put his hands together in mock prayer, and AJ shoved him. They laughed, both prepared for having a good night with everyone.

And it was a good night. They were soon joined by other people, who both knew them and didn't, all enjoying each other's company. Different guys began challenging each other to wrestling matches or rounds of Grand Turismo, or they just chatted like friends.

AJ didn't get drunk, despite Joe and Sonjay's best efforts. His head was beginning to bother him, and he mentally told himself to curb his drinking before he had a very long morning.

He laid his head on his hands, looking around at his friends. He smiled softly; it was nice, watching all the carefree fun. It was hard not to get sucked in to the infectious merriment, every one celebrating only the facts that they were alive and they were old enough (or had a card that said they were old enough) to legally buy alcohol.

"Seriously? Dude, I saw you. You had like one drink. Can't tell me you're done already." He looked up, seeing Chris and Alex above him. He lifted up a hand, showing them four fingers.

"Shut up Shelley."

"Oh, great wit lightweight." Alex bent down, looking at him. "No seriously, you want us to get you a cab?"

"Nah, I'm good. Just restin' my head. Thanks."

"No prob." He put his hand in AJ's hair, messing with it, before saying, "You sure you done? I can get you a beer from the bar…"

"Nah. But you can get me a water, if ya don't mind."

Alex put his hand to his chest, as if AJ had mortally wounded him. "Water? In a… in a bar? Does not compute, man, does not compute." He looked over at Chris, asking him if he wanted anything before taking off to the bar, fully intending on getting AJ a water and Chris and himself a beer.

"So." Chris said, "What're you doing here by yourself? The party's over there, man."

"They want me to get completely drunk. Not in the mood for that."

"Separating yourself from the peer pressure, I can dig. Though you can stand to have a little more fun…"

"Sabin. I have fun. Don't need to be drunk to have fun."

"Says you." He laughed for a moment, but then he heard his name whispered. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry, man. For… everything." AJ didn't need to elaborate; they both knew what 'everything' meant.

"Hey, don't apologize. You were just trying to do right." Chris waved it off. "We both had issues, dude. I'm not blaming you."

"Still. M'sorry."

"Really, stop." Chris grabbed one of the chairs, pulling it out and sitting down. "You could be right, I dunno. Who knows, really? It's tough."

"Yeah, it is." AJ shook his head. "And I've been thinkin' about stuff lately, and really, I don't know how to deal with this... all of it. It's all confusin' in my head right now."

"Join the club, Styles. Hey, if all that thinking gets you some clue, share it, alright?"

"Yeah." AJ laughed a little. "Hey, when it was good it was good, right?"

Chris stared at him, unsure of what to make of the statement. _Don't fuck with me, AJ, not now. _"Yeah, it was."

"I'm just sayin', I…" AJ thought for a moment, before hitting his head on the table. "I don't know what I was sayin'." Chris couldn't help but snicker; it was too silly to keep a straight face at, even though AJ was serious. "I guess I've been thinkin' about that too. You know, we may have had issues, but we had fun."

"Yeah, yeah we did. So… what exactly have you been thinking?"

"I dunno. Everything and anything." AJ lifted his head up, shrugging. "A bunch of questions I can't answer."

"Sounds familiar." Chris looked behind him, searching out Alex, but he couldn't see him among the people at the bar. _He's doing this shit on purpose, _Chris thought. AJ was messing with his mind all over again and he had no idea what to do. He didn't want to leave the table, but he didn't want to hear AJ stumble through whatever it was he was trying to say. It was hope he didn't need; that he was sure would amount to nothing.

He started thinking about the dinner his mother was planning. AJ was like his father; he didn't know where either of them really stood, and it was killing him. But unlike his dad, where the fact his mother was on his side made him embrace the hope, there was no cushion around AJ. If it turned out that the chance amounted to nothing, then there was no one to lessen the impact of the blow.

He knew what he wanted, but the idea of going for it again scared him. Chances were, it would lead nowhere. But he remembered how good it felt to let himself believe his mother when she said that she could fix things. He remembered that he and AJ did have fun. And he did think that, if AJ ever thought that they could do this, then he could make him happier than anyone else could.

"Hey."

"Yeah?" Chris leaned forward, pressing his lips to AJ's. It went quickly; almost as soon as his lips touched AJ's, they were off. Enough that AJ could feel it, not enough that someone might spot them. AJ blinked, not moving from his seat, just staring at Chris.

"What was that?"

"Just something to think about while you're thinking about… things." He smiled, staring back at him, waiting for a reaction. Something. Anything.

"Chris. M'sorry if you got the wrong idea, but… I don't know what I'm doing. At all. And… chances are you and me could never happen again."

"Chances are. As in, you don't know for certain yet."

"Chris, I'm being serious here!"

"And so am I." Chris grinned, patting AJ's cheek. "So, here's the deal. Until you can say the words 'Chris, we will never happen', think about it, okay? It's not like I'm going anywhere, you don't have a time limit or anything. Just think about it."

After a moment, AJ smiled back, nodding, the very gesture going straight to Chris' heart. "You're an idiot, you know that?" It was a complete attempt to brush it off, and Chris knew that, but seeing AJ nod and smile was enough to make him forget that it was. Because even if he was trying to change the subject, he was still thinking about everything Chris said.

They would talk about something else the rest of the while until Alex returned, complaining about bartenders that ignore good paying customers in favor of sluts. But in that moment, Chris just relished the air of possibility between them. Eventually, he'd be realistic about things, but right then, he just wanted to enjoy what could be. Because embracing the optimism, at that moment, no matter how foolish it might be, was the sweetest thing in the world.

"Trust me Al, I know."


End file.
